so long has passed, so much to tell.

Okay so I guess I should start with saying that I received a message from someone that I did not know. He said he didn't think my kids should be around drug users did I? I got the message and had no clue what it was about but of course things started going through my head. I was not at the computer when he sent it. When I got back he was logged out so I had to wait a whole day before getting an email from him. I will paste it here of course names changed as always---

Subj:

(no subject)
Date:

8/27/2004 2:46:38 PM Eastern Daylight Time
From:some stranger
To: woman scorned

Since I've known "the whore" she's had a pretty heavy drug problem. I know she does heroin on a regular basis because she's told me and I've seen evidence myself when we were dating. She's asked me to take her to get drugs which I've refused to do on numerous occasions. I've spoken to people who have taken her to get drugs though. She also told me that "Jackass" has started snorting heroin. I don't know if you want your children exposed to that kind of situation or not, but I thought you'd like to know. My best advice to you would be to show up one night unnounced and see if they're high. Also - do you know "Jackass's" mail because there are some things I'd like to talk to him about regarding her behavior since they've been engaged.

p.s. "The Whore" has told me on numerous occasions how much she hates your kids. She calls them "monsters."

Of course this freaked me out, when I talked to him he told me other details about our family that he would only know if the whore had told him. I contacted my attorney who basically said that the divorce was already settled and that I should be happy I came out so well and just let it go. I told her the money wasn't worth a crap to me if my kids might be in danger and I wanted to find out for sure. She said she has already done her job and that was that. I also called DFCS, I gave them no names at all, just told them the situation and also that I had no first hand knowledge of their drug use and wanted to know if they could make any recommendations. They told me it is out of your system in 12 hours. Honestly even if they are doing it there is still a good chance that they wouldn't get detected then I would be causing more problems for nothing. I did speak with the ex about it and was told that the guy informing me of this stuff was just trying to get her back for starting problems with his now ex girlfriend. When I again spoke to the guy, he admitted he was only telling me because she told a bunch of crap to his ex but that it was all true. It very well may be true but without any first hand knowledge there isn't anything I can do. He wanted me to report it to DFCS. I told him I couldn't. I also told him if he felt so strongly about it nobody was stopping him from doing it. He said he might. I hope if he does that they don't find anything. I hope nothing more than to find out that this isn't true. I'm very scared that it might be. The other thing that worries me is also during our conversation in instant message he told me that she has said she would beat my children but fears being arrested. She better know she will be arrested :P Anyway there is more but I have to go cook dinner. I will say more later.

yes im still here

Just so everyone knows. I'm still here, things have been quite hard lately and I do need to blog but the time hasn't been there to do so. I've got about 6 hours left to sleep before I will be getting up with my kids to get them off to school. I will blog soon and it will be long. Sorry everyone again just wanted you to know I am okay.

Thanks for being understanding

Ups and Downs

So today my daughter had her first game of the season. It doesn't really count toward the stats, more of a game so coaches can see what their team needs to work on. Our team won! It rained toward the end of the game and then it started lightning. When the lightning started, they called the game. My mom had went with us along with her friend. I say her friend but he is kind of a family friend now. Anyway we went out to eat and then to this place that is kind of like a big bowling alley, arcade, lazer tag, mini golf, go kart place. We went for the arcade only. We had an awesome time. I really and truly enjoyed it. The kids enjoyed it too. I haven't seen them that happy in a very long time! Afterwards they went to spend the night with my mother. They haven't done that in a month so I let them. Tomorrow the ex has them. Ok so you know how I said the next relationship I have I want to be romanced, well I also think I need something else. I need to feel that person needs me as much as I need them. I feel kind of useless right now. I need him, I don't feel he needs me. I have no doubt he wants me, but wants can and do change. I try to tell myself he does. I think once again I'm just making myself believe what I want to. Kind of like when I made myself believe the ex wasn't all that bad and that things were fine between us. All I really knew then was that I would deal with it. I'm so torn inside. I don't know why this isn't enough but it isn't enough to just be wanted. Again this falls under the, maybe I want too much, category. I guess I do, maybe I will never find what I want. Maybe I'm never supposed to. All I know is that I have not really slept much and I probably should. I just can't yet.

Why bother?

So Friday, a friend that I used to be really close to before my depression found out about this whole thing. I have not talked to her since he left and so she didn't even know we had split up. She is one of the ones I pushed away during my depression. She saw him in a local online chat room under a shared name with his whore. They were in there chatting together. She IMed him to be sure that it was him. He confirmed it then a little bit later she msg'ed me telling me that she was sorry she had not been here for me when I obviously needed her most. I assured her that there wasn't much she could have done and I linked her to this blog so that she may read it and know. I am sure she never knew that I was depressed. When she got home that evening she messaged the name asking that girl how she could sleep at night or something knowing what she was doing to this family. I have asked the jackass this many times. I'm sure his whore is used to sleeping with a guilty conscience. Of course he probably is too. My friend is religious and basically started telling them that they would one day answer to a higher power for this. I almost wish I believed that. I don't but wouldn't it be nice? Anyway she then IM'ed me to tell me she was having fun with "the bitch." At first I wasn't sure if she meant truly having fun and that she didn't think she was that bad after all, or if she meant it in a bad way. I'm not sure why I didn't know. I guess it's hard for me to just think people are on my side in any of this. Right after I received her msg I get one from the soon to be ex, telling me to stop telling people our personal business and that she didn't need to be upsetting his whore. I told him that she found out not because of me but because of him, I had not told her about it and that if he didn't want people knowing then he should stop making it so easy for them to find out. I guess he isn't as proud of what he is doing as he would like to think he is. Otherwise he wouldn't care who knew. Anyway I also told him that I had made it clear that he is never to contact me in the presence of his whore, I proceeded to warn him and block him. My friend then told me a bit of how their conversation went. He told her he never loved me. I say he is full of it. Of course he may be right, I am not sure he has ever known what love was. If someone were to ask me right now, I'd have to say that he is the lowest of all lows. Of course I would also say that this weekend was hard for me. I'm slipping back into my depression. I am fighting it, I've been listening to people. I've been going to the gym, walking everyday, eating right, I think sometimes even though people would disagree, it takes more than that. The medication seemed to help at first, for some reason now it's getting harder.

My mother told my grandmother about the split. She never even had known we were apart because she doesn't live close to us. My grandmothers sage advice... well you see she once was left by my mother's father. He left her for another woman as well. She said she wished she had fought for him and got him back and basically thinks I should do the same. There is not a chance in this world of me doing that. Thanks but no thanks for that piece of wisdom there. You can't make someone love you or want you. I loved him, yes, but I can't force him to love me back and I say loved (past tense) because now I couldn't trust him. If you can't trust, then you can't love. I've been told that it takes two to make a marriage work. That is very true, it takes both people to make it work. I've also been told that it takes two to make a marriage fail. I don't agree with that, honestly. It really only takes one person to blow a seemingly good marriage completely out of the water.

This weekend was the ex's weekend with the children. My daughter had something to attend on Saturday morning that I needed to take her to because I volunteered to paint faces. It was a cheerleading fund raiser. He was still going to get my son but my son asked to wait and come when my daughter was coming which was Saturday. The ex was a bit bent about this but my son had his reasons. He didn't want to go because he doesn't really get along with the whore's daughter anymore. They butt heads a lot. My son is stubborn and I believe she is too. I haven't met her but from what I've heard I'm pretty sure. It was bound to be a problem eventually. Anyway, I told him unless his daddy said it would be okay that he would have to go. I did however agree to letting him get them one day next weekend on my weekend to make up for the missed day. This seemed okay with him. Next weekend will be a busy one because there is a Birthday party for her to attend and my mother in law wants to take them to some thing on Saturday. We will see how that goes. I'm sure something will go wrong. I wish I could think more positively. I used to but it just doesn't come so easy anymore. My children are begging to meet the new person in my life, they have talked to him on the phone and such but not met him. I wasn't sure it would be a good idea but they have been asking for a week or so now so we are going to work it out for that to happen. I hope it goes well. I'm really nervous. I mean what if I'm doing the wrong thing. At least I am not shoving him down their throat like the ex did with the whore. Also I would like to clarify something. I call my children "my" kids, not because I don't think of them as "his" too, but saying our seems to indicate a union of some sort and I don't want to feel associated with him in any way.

It is time to go get my kids, I definitely need the walk today. It is possible I may write more later but more than likely I will write another day.

It happened...

Last night was his evening to have the kids, not really, actually he is supposed to get them Tuesdays and Thursdays but because those are days that my daughter has cheerleading I am usually nice and just switch days with him so that he may spend actual time with them when he has them. I let him switch and get them Wednesday. My mother and I were going to go see a movie because basically she had a free ticket that expires soon and wanted to get me out of the house. He called around 5 saying that he was leaving work. I said we are going to the movies at 6:30. He tells me that the only way he can be sure he gets the kids in time for us to go to our movie is if I will meet him because traffic would probably be bad. I agree to let him meet us at 6 :15. He gets there and who does he bring with him? Just so you know I have avoided ever having to see her before this point. I have told him I never want to see her. Honestly I am not sure that I can control my temper. It isn't because of any lingering desire to get him back. It is pure and simple the disrespect she has shown toward me and my children. It is the childish way that she thinks it is funny that she is with a man that is married to someone else and wants to put pictures up to taunt me about it. I told him don't EVER ask me to come meet you again. You will pick them up from my house and drop them off there and you will not bring her with you or I will have her picked up for trespassing. I also called her a whore and walked away, fighting the urge to take my kids and leave.

This completely ruined my movie. My adrenalin was pumping hard and I could not wait for the movie to end. It was Collateral, which I really wanted to see but because of his disrespect in bringing her with him I could not enjoy at all. I mean honestly if he could make it to his house in time to pick her up and bring her with him then he could have just as easily made it to my house. It was intentional and he is a liar. I called him at 8:30 when the movie let out and he said he was still at the park. He failed to mention this was a park in downtown Atlanta which is half an hour from either of our homes. He knows their bedtime is 9pm. He should have been ready to bring them home by then easily. When I called him I said bring my kids home now and do NOT bring your whore with you. He asked me what I would do about it. I said if you want to take that risk go ahead, bring her, I'll have the cops waiting to pick her up for trespassing. He said well then it will take longer to get them home because she is with us. I said too bad drop her off on the corner where she belongs and bring my kids home. He said I was being childish. I told him he was being selfish and rude. I said that whore destroyed our family and I don't want to see her. I was yelling at this point and said bring them home NOW. He said well do you want them now or do you want her not to come. I said I do not want her knowing where my house is, so do not bring her but they better be home by 10pm. It was silent for a while and my son said something in the background which conflicted with something that my soon to be ex had just told me. Basically he had told me he was taking them to the bathroom and after that they would be on their way. Fifteen minutes after that was when I heard my son saying Daddy I gotta go potty, they had just gotten in the car at this point. I said I thought the whole reason you just took that long to get to the car was that you were taking them to the bathroom. He said it was locked. Again he still has not told me he is in downtown Atlanta. So when I asked him about this he tells me will I just stop talking for a minute. As I said I had been silent for 2 minutes and simply asked him this question. Another time he told me to shut up when I wasn't even talking. He threatened not to bring them home at all. I told him if he didn't I would have him arrested and his rights would be limited to visitation with supervision because I would have him popped with a drug test. He insisted he would pass it. I really doubt that he would. He then accused me of being on drugs. I told him I was not the one hallucinating that someone was talking when they weren't. He told me I would just have to get used to her. I told him when I am ready to I will, but so far she has given me not one good reason to respect her. Also at one point my mother took the phone from me and told him to stop being such a selfish jerk and to leave his tramp at home and stop bringing her around us. He told her to put me back on the phone. She said that she would not, that he was talking to her and he could get over it. Eventually she did give the phone back to me and it was agreed that he would take his whore home and then bring my children back.

Another thing I would like to mention is that before he was to get them, I asked did he want me to feed them. He said no, he would. He finally brings them home at 9:45pm. I was waiting on the sidewalk. I'm telling you now, if he had brought her with him there would have been a problem, a big problem. I told him that when he did all this he said he understood why I was hurt and that he would try to make things easier but that he had done nothing but throw his little whore in my face every chance he got. He actually started tearing up a bit because he knows that I am right. He said I didn't even have to see her really. I said wrong, you brought her around me, it wasn't the right thing to do and that if he were in my shoes he would feel the same way. He could not disagree with that. He said eventually I would have to get over it. I said eventually I might, for now it isn't about getting over you, I AM over you, but she has done nothing but shown complete disrespect for our family, me directly and our children and I will NOT be getting over it anytime soon. I told him that had she kept her nose low and out of our business and shown the shame that someone in her position should show then I might be a little more okay with her, that they were both being completely selfish. He left and I went inside to my children.

I go inside to find that my kids are hollering about how hungry they are, he apparently took them home and gave them a small portion of spaghetti and told them he would give them more later but they had to go. Then he never got them anything else. So there it is 10pm the kids are still hungry, needing to brush their teeth, get their pajama's on and get to bed. I microwaved them some bagel bites (small bagel pizza's for those that may not know) and sat down with them. They said that the whore's child was putting her middle finger up around them. I am not really surprised by this as I haven't mentioned but the whore and jackass's new profiles on AOL now have pictures of them shooting birds at the camera. I told them that no matter what her mom teaches her or lets her do that I hoped they would make good decisions and choose not to. They agreed. My daughter said that her father told her that if his whore couldn't come to her games when she cheers that he won't be there either. She said she didn't feel this was fair. I asked did she tell him that and she said no as she feared he would hit her. I told her if he hits her I want to be informed of that. They said that he took my sons YuGiOh cards and didn't give them back. I bought those cards so you better believe I will be asking for them back. Needless to say it was a hard night.

I had someone special that helped me through it. Yes my mother helped a lot but also I was feeling very weak last night. I mentioned that I am talking to someone new, I also mentioned a lovely weekend I had. Yes it is because of that person. He helped me feel that I am handling things okay given the circumstances. My children want to meet him. They keep asking to. They have talked to him on the phone because they have a tendency of approaching me when I am on the phone and asking to speak to whomever I am speaking with at the time. They are both pretty taken with him. Perhaps it is because he makes me smile and my smiles aren't as frequent these days. In any event he doesn't live very close but luckily can come down fairly frequently when that becomes a factor. He swears that he thinks I am strong. This really helped. I'm not sure how much of what he said that I actually believed. I was not able to eat last night but at least after talking to him, I was able to sleep even after all my tears.

So here are my hopes for the future, I hope that the ex actually realizes that he is being selfish and that he needs to let me have some space from her until I am ready to deal with her. I hope that I am not just going to bring down the guy (the one mentioned above). I hope that he is actually getting something from this too because often I feel like I am getting my strength from him and I hope that he knows that. I hope that my children learn good even from the bad and I hope that I am not doing everything wrong.

Things I have trouble doing

I have trouble telling people sometimes when something hurts me. I have trouble asking people for what I want. I also have trouble opening up about certain things to certain people. This has not always been the case. I'm not exactly sure why I do now. It's just something that happens. I can usually talk about something if people notice the problem and ask. Bringing it up is my problem. Perhaps it has something to do with not being able to talk to my soon to be ex. If I tried to he really wasn't interested, so I assume now that people aren't really interested in hearing what is wrong with me. Before we were married, we could talk. I'm not sure why that changed. It was just something that did. Well actually, I could talk, he would respond to what I said. He would only tell me stuff if I asked. His mom says he was always like this. When he left he said that he talks more now because of us and our problems. Maybe if he had learned not to shut me out for so long while we were together that would have helped us. I think by the time he learned not to shut people out so much, I had already learned how to shut people out from him. It's actually quite the defense mechanism. If you shut people out they can't use what they know to hurt you. He became the master at using what he knows to hurt me. I don't think he will ever know how much it hurt me for him to say that because I was depressed I was crazy and therefore a bad mother. I am not crazy. A good friend of mine sent me a letter saying some stuff I really needed to hear shortly after my split. Basically she told me that if he really thought I was such a bad mother and was crazy and such that he would never have left the kids with me. It was true. I told her how much what she said to me meant. I don't think she will ever know just how important she was to me and my making it through those first few weeks. She had been through it before and she knew the things I needed to hear. Basically saying that he could say all the bad things he wanted but I was the one here taking care of the children and doing the day to day things for them, not him. If she ever reads this, she will know that it is her I am talking about. I won't name her because I don't name names here but I will call her my friend that gave me my sense of self back. She made me feel worthwhile at the time. I'm still feeling a bit sad today. I kind of know why and it's a pretty dumb reason. I feel mostly unworthy of love right now. I can't really explain why and not sure I would if I could. It's pretty selfish of me to even care at this point. My focus should be on the kids and nothing else. Yesterday my son had a bad day. He was misbehaving. It is hard because I'm never sure I'm doing the right things with him. He has more good days than bad now so I guess that should mean something. I just am rarely very sure of myself these days. Okay so hopefully I have some good days coming up. It's near that emotional time of the month so maybe that explains my sadness right now. I just hope it gets better.

there is more...

I don't know where to start, I guess I'll say that right now, I'm sad. I'm not really sure why, but I am. I wish I could pinpoint exactly what is making me sad. I wish I could just make the gloom go away, but sometimes ya just can't. I am putting on the happy face for the kids, because they need it. I guess sometimes the mess that has become my life just catches up to me and there isn't much I can do about it. Thought I would say this while it is current because sometimes I hit a sad moment and don't post it and then people get the false impression that I am just constantly strong. I'm not, often I'm quite weak. Like now. Maybe I need stronger meds, or maybe I'm just sad. This is why it was so hard to tell that I was depressed before. Where is the line between just normal sadness that occurs and depression?

Maybe....

Sometimes I think I'm too hard to please. I want everything out of life. I'm also impatient, because I want it now. I think about all the time I've wasted so far thinking that I had it all and really I had so little. I had a marriage that was a complete sham. The man I thought I was married to was little more than me thinking he was someone he wasn't. At the highest point in our marriage I would have said there was nothing he couldn't do. At the lowest point I would have said I was doing something wrong and couldn't be happy because of my expectations. Now that things are over I realize, he was never what I thought he was and it was only my hope that I had everything I wanted that made me believe he was. If he were the man he is today when I met him, I wouldn't have looked twice at him. It doesn't matter what money he makes, it only matters the type of person he is. I see that he is the type of person that thinks hurting people is okay. This is not what I want my kids to learn so I'm just glad that I have more time to have an influence on them than he does and they seem to learn from me. Last time we talked he told me I was turning our son into a sissy. I would say a year ago, our son was starting to be a bit mean, not really caring what he did to people. Possibly even turning into a bully. In just a few months without his father around, he is no longer like that. If this makes him a sissy then oh freakin well.

Honestly I think one of the biggest problems facing youth today are their selfish mentalities. I believe they need self confidence but people have went beyond that to the point that children think as long as they feel good, even if it makes someone else feel bad, nothing else matters. I am not saying this is how all people are, but it is certainly becoming popular to teach children that their feelings are more important than someone else's. I've never felt that way. I am the type that I know if someone else isn't as good at a game and it upsets them to lose I will throw a game every now and then just so they feel the thrill of winning. This doesn't mean I will throw every game, because competition makes them get better, but always losing discourages them. I find myself doing this sometimes when I play games with my kids. Although quite often they beat me fair and square!

Anyway back to my son, he is starting to realize that to make friends he has to be nice to people, that he can't always expect to get his way, and that other people have feelings that can easily be hurt just as he now seems to show when his feelings are hurt. Does this make him a sissy? Not in my book. It makes him the kind of boy that will one day grow into a young man that any girl can be proud to take home to her parents. I know that I can not teach him everything a boy needs to know. I hope that his father picks up that slack. He isn't exactly out of the picture or anything but he is focusing on the wrong things to teach him. He has never really taken an interest in teaching him sports or anything. When he played football I couldn't even get him to take him to practice most of the time. I was coaching my daughters cheerleading squad that year yet asking him to be home in time to take him to practice was like asking the world. I often wondered if something were going on at that time. Who knows?

So now back to the point of this post. Now I see that again I want it all. I want the happy family (working on that although it feels broken with just the three of us), the house with the picket fence in the suburban neighborhood(already have that), the kids involved in activities afterschool (partially have that), and the job that will allow me to be there for my kids after they get out of school (I have no clue how this is going, still working on where to start). In addition to this I want to be loved and shown that love everyday. I don't want the romance to end once the courtship is over next time. I want flowers sent or brought home for no reason, I want letters written, just because. I want tiny expressions of love ever so often in ways I don't really expect. I want to blush. I want to also show that love in return. I wonder do I want too much? Maybe I do, but if I can't have that I think I'd rather be alone or have meaningless sex the rest of my life. I don't want to pretend I have something I don't. I don't want to feel empty inside. Bah, can you tell I'm emotional today? I'll write more later, I have some housework I want to do before I pick the kids up.

The profile... only identifying names are patterned out. 

I will NOT let them ruin my weekend.

Okay so I was doing a little better last night, I spent the evening with my kids and mother. After a while mom and I watched a movie. We watched The Butterfly Effect. It was actually a pretty good movie. Something different anyway. I log on today and find that the jackass has changed his profile and pictures. Mostly identical to the whores but with a few special things to rub it all in my face. If you are truly happy with someone why the need to rub it in someone else's face? Why the need to make someone miserable with it? So I handled it. I deleted both of his screen names. Considering it IS my account and always was, even before him, I have every right. I also changed all my passwords and my secret question, not to mention my billing info, all to stuff that he wouldn't know. Hope he had all his buddy lists backed up. Actually, that isn't true, I hope he DIDN'T. I'm really not sure what some of his stuff on his profile meant. It referenced making fun of people that can't spell tongue, but since I can spell it, it must have been to someone else on that. I could make fun of his whore spelling ecstatically incorrectly, she has estatically or something like that, but there are too many other things I could say about her. Anyway it bugged me, because until this point I never realized what a piece of trash I had been married to, and now I'm even more sure that he is on something...I am going to post the picture of his profile here I covered the identifying information, just so you can see what it was, also keep in mind that in addition to this were pictures of them in various stages of making out, talking about do they ever come up for air and such. I just think that if you are truly happy you wouldn't need to cause someone else pain in order to enjoy yourself. My son said the other day to me that he hoped that daddy would get rid of her before they get married, I smirked but said that wasn't nice... he said yeah daddy told me I hurt her feelings when I said it. So classic, my son to tell it like he sees it, no matter who is presently listening. Too funny! They think that I have shaped his mind to what he thinks but if my soon to be ex knew his son at all he would know that nobody tells him what to think. He is a free thinker and very smart. He is also a mommy's boy. It is possible that he sees the hurt in me and therefore doesn't like their relationship but it isn't because I've told him not to like her. Anyway today is kind of a low day although it did feel good to erase his names. The email I sent to him said this... The subject line was "You are" and the body of the email said " just as fuckin trashy as she is for posting that shit trying to rub your relationship in my face, I hope you both have a miserable life together and you can create a name on her account because you are NOT using my AOL account to hurt me, you disgust me." This is all I have for now, I've got plans with the kids today so I am going to go, hopefully the screen shot will post. If not I'll work on it later. Just so you know, the more I read his profile, the more I am embarassed to admit that I was actually married to him, please note that he was NOT the same person when we were together.

I saw red....

Okay so just when I think things are okay, I realize I am NOT okay. I do NOT want him back but just the thought of her, knowing that she takes pleasure in taunting me, and rubbing her relationship with the man that was MY husband in my face just makes me see red. I know I should not get so annoyed but the thought that she is anywhere near my children just really annoys the heck out of me. She completely disgusts me on so many levels. Can you tell I'm having a bad night? So I'll explain. He finally comes to get the kids and take them shopping for school clothes, great right? I thought well, he came alone, which he should and since he really only has a couple of hours surely he is just going to take them shopping alone, which the kids were all excited about. I later get a call from a friend of mine that saw them at the store. She knows the situation so she was pretty sure I wasn't there, so she walked up and said hi and asked the kids where was their mommy, they said at home. My friend said at this point the girl kinda acted like it bothered her. I told my friend that it probably did because she knows I don't like her, I don't even want her at any event that my kids have and such. She said why the hell would she come anyway, she should be embarassed for what she is doing. I agree. It completely is beyond me why any girl worth the time or consideration of would take pleasure in taunting someone about taking their husband and destroying a family. I know my soon to be ex is scum for seeking her out but the thing is, he doesn't seem to take as much pleasure in rubbing it in my face as she does. I will never be civil to her. I just can't. She is a vile wench. Sorry had to vent because it really bothers me that he couldn't even take them shopping without her. I should have known. He was mostly helpless like that when we were together too. The clothes they got were okay but honestly I couldn't even think about clothes after I knew she was picking them out. I just wanted everyone the hell out of my sight so I could scream. Oh and also he had wanted me to come meet him halfway. I refuse to even start doing that. The noncustodial parent is to make all arrangements to get the children for visitation. This will not inconvenience me in anyway. He chose to do this, so he can deal with those consequences. Besides I am relatively sure that if I ever did go meet him he would want to make it a regular thing and would eventually bring her, thinking that because it isn't on my property I can't say anything. So I will keep it like it is. Bring her and I will have her arrested for trespassing. I do not ever want to see her because honestly I'm not sure I'd be able to deal with that. I started back at the gym today. The kids are in school so I should be able to go. I need to work off some stress. I got him to sign papers today to remove him from banking accounts. He really didn't seem to want to, but so what? I do not want him having the option to go take money from my account whenever he may deem neccessary. Screw that! Anyway I will go now. Just needed to vent somewhere as I feel I'm holding it inside tonight. It feels good to just cry. Some days... I guess are just better than others. Today was not one of them.

The more things change.....

Yep you got it, the more they stay the same. First let me just say, I had an awesome weekend. I spent it with someone quite special. The kids were with their dad. I came home Sunday in a great mood and met with my mom because she had met with the soon to be ex to get the kids. When I met with her we went back to school shopping and then out for dinner. During dinner the kids told me that the whore was smoking in the car with them, but holding it out the window. I found this to be in violation of the agreement we have. I called him to discuss it. The thing is, I always start with good intentions of it just being a conversation and not an argument. So I called and said the kids were telling me that she was smoking in his car and holding it out the window. He said, "Yeah, so?"
It really bugs me when he acknowledges the problem but acts like it doesn't matter or that I'm being some megabitch. I said well it is a violation of our agreement. So then he tells me that I don't feed the kids, which is a complete lie. I said ya know you're also smoking in the bathroom, they tell me, which they have to go in, he tells me that I can't tell him what to do in his own house and his whore said for him to tell me to kiss his ass. I told him that I wouldn't want to kiss his nasty ass because it probably smelled like her fishy crotch. Yes I know... not exactly productive conversation but I get quite a bit hot under the collar whenever he tells me how I'm being an unfit mom when the truth is that everything I do these days is with their best interests in mind.
I admit totally that I was not perfect during our marriage, I was depressed. The thing is, when he is with his whore, he makes me out to be this horrible greedy mom that makes his life completely miserable. She definitely did not help her case any by running her mouth in the background. She tries to say I'm being greedy and unreasonable but the thing is, she butts her nose in where it doesn't belong. She wants to take her digs while she can, then cry foul when I come back at her with it. When he isn't with her, he admits that he made some pretty big mistakes and that I wasn't all that bad. I told him in the future, if he wants to be such a jackass that I will just report any falterings by him to the courts instead of confronting him with it, if I must. He got ticked and again said how I do nothing and just take his money. I told him he was being pretty crappy to me considering he was supposed to buy them each a going back to school outfit and hadn't. He said that our son needed a haircut. I had already gotten him one earlier in the day. The only reason he didn't get one earlier is that the money wasn't there at the time to do it. He then said that our daughter needs to start shaving her legs, calling them gross. She is seven years old, yes her legs have hair, but they are not excessive for a seven year old! I pretty much told him how ridiculous he was being and that telling her that her legs are gross was going to piss me off. I was absolutely fuming by then. So anyway, last night, we were not getting anywhere. We hung up for the time being with me practically in tears. My mother came out to the car with the children and I told her what happened, although she had caught the tailend of the conversation anyway so she knew that he was yelling at me.
Today she called to wake me up and told me she had called him. I was surprised and asked her what about. She said she woke him up and told him he needed to treat me with more respect than he had been. I was surprised that she had decided to do this but also relieved. She seemed to think she had gotten through but after speaking with him again, I'm not so sure.
I took the kids to school for their first day and spent the large part of the day helping my son's teacher put stuff away and get things in order. It is a new school so there was a lot to organize. I took a break around lunch time to come home and let the dog in as here in Georgia it gets very hot in August. I noticed that the soon to be ex tried to call three times so I returned his call. He starts up with, why did my mom call him to lecture him this morning. I said I didn't know she had been going to. So he told me what she said and I told him that it was good she had, he needed to hear it. I pointed out how much she helped him while we were together and even now how she helps pick up his slack and if he got a little lecturing from her then he better just get over it. I didn't whine to him when his whore had her friend IM me with their ten year old childish taunts and name calling. I dealt with it and he could deal with it himself. We then got into it about the whole smoking thing, thing is, since his whore wasn't with him he was a bit more rational. I told him that I don't want his whore at my house and that my mother didn't want her at her house either (he took her there this weekend) I also told him that she would not be welcome at school or game functions. He told me that if she was not welcome, he would not attend either. I let him know that it would be his choice but that she was not welcome there and if he chose not to attend that it would not change that, because honestly if she is so hateful she would post pictures of her and my soon to be ex with her sitting in his lap and kissing on him just to try to get under my skin when she knew I was still hurt from him just up and leaving, then she is pretty scummy and is definitely not worthy of me giving any effort toward getting along with. The thing is she only proved what trash that she is. Also I found it rather interesting for her to be sitting in the background running her mouth, yet calling me immature. Hi pot, I'm kettle.
Overall we accomplished very little today either, I think he is learning that he can't back me into a corner anymore and he will not be getting his way with me whenever he wants. I can be rather flexible about some things, such as when he told me he didn't have the money to buy them back to school clothes, which was actually part of our arrangement for his payback of the attorney's fees, that he could buy them when he had it. Just to clarify, he is supposed to pay half of the attorney's fee. I told him at the office that I would settle for him buying the kids school clothes with his half as long as he gave me the receipts to prove that he actually spent that much. He said he wouldn't have it all at once, which is fine, so I asked him to buy them each one outfit before back to school which he agreed to do, but then he said he couldnt afford it now. I said okay and that is why I went out yesterday to get clothes for them. I told him today he better be glad that the guy I'm talking to now didn't hear the way he talked to me, he asked if he would beat him up or something? (sarcastically) I said no, he isn't that childish, but he would probably take the phone and hang it up on him until he learned how to speak to me on the phone. Anyway at the end, things had settled down although still nothing is really resolved. He still thinks I intend to take all of his rights, if I really intended to do that why would I be so freakin flexible about when he sees them and what he does? I ask simply that he not smoke around them. Oh and one other thing, I asked him if he were on drugs, I am not the only one that has doubts about it, he is being so erradic... Thing is, he didn't actually even deny it, just called me a prude. Maybe he is, maybe he isn't, just found it odd he wouldn't deny it. It scares me, I just hope that if he is, that he has enough sense not to do them around the children. I am going to start job searching next week. I figure I should find a job, then register for school. Then I will know what hours I can attend school.
I am a bit frustrated today. It was a long day of helping at the school and filling out first day forms and getting up a couple of hours earlier than usual and then not being able to communicate with people very well. Today is one of those days I just want to sit down and have a good cry. Perhaps after my kids go to sleep I will.
I should go. It's time to feed my kids, oh wait according to the jackass I don't feed them, so guess I'm not really going to feed them, I'm just making that up. In either event I will write more tomorrow.