All's well

I've not really updated this since I went to the lawyer... it actually went well. He argued about the credit card bill, saying I should pay some of it. I pointed out that my bills were all more than his, the mortgage, the utilities and that I had 3 people to support, whereas he only has one. I'm not sure he wanted to, even then, but he finally agreed. He was sick, so I offered to keep the kids, because Thursday was his day to have them. He decided to take them for about an hour or so. I then met him to pick them up. When I met him, he asked if I would like to see some of the pictures he took while on vacation, something about possibly capturing ghosts in them. I said, I'm really not interested in your vacation with your whore. He just nodded and said okay. He doesn't even flinch when I call her that anymore. He knows it's coming.

I wrote this post previous to the weekend. I meant to finish it but didn't have time so I'll post it as is, because I would rather not add to it so late after writing it but I will write a new one.

Nerves....

I am the essential worrywart. I worry about everything. I think that is why I always enjoyed planning trips or whatnot. The thing is, I can plan and plan and plan and while I am planning, there isn't really much time or reason to worry, because anything I would worry about I could just plan for. Once the plans are all in place and that time between when I finish the plans and the event takes place, I sit and worry. Last night I cleaned out drawers and cabinets and pretty much anything I could get my hands on. I got rid of about 4 trashbags of stuff that I no longer need or want. This got me through the night as I finally drifted off to sleep. I didn't even bother to rid my bed of  my innocent son. I was actually thankful he was there. You see, today is the day we sign the papers. Yes, I did do my homework. Yes, I planned everything and I'm relatively sure I didn't miss anything but well let me explain. Last night as I was going through organizing everything, I came across an envelope. It was a gas bill which I proceeded to open. It was dated July 2nd and was for an extraordinary amount of money. I freaked. I was fairly sure that our gas bill had been being auto debited from our account for quite some time but then again, he handled that stuff so what do I know. I was thinking, wow if I had opened this one day later I would have the sole responsibility of taking care of this bill that is seemingly 6 months delinquent, but since I opened it then I was sure I could at least find out how far back it was, and get him to pay at least half of it from the date it was late until he moved out. I called them to get the figures, they asked me for my social security number. Let me tell you, I have known my social security number by heart since I was around 12 years old. I can rattle it off almost any time. At that exact moment, I blanked. I'm not even sure I could have told her my birthdate. I finally came up with most of it, after talking myself through it, I could relatively easily recall my first 5, it was the last 4, which is the part she needed that I couldn't recall. I was getting it mixed with my soon to be ex's. I finally came up with 3 of the last 4 correct and she let me by with that. Then she said, I'm showing your bill to be up to date. You only owe this month's which will be bank drafted as usual. I said how can this be, this letter dated. July 2...... ummmm 2003, oops. How in the world did this envelope go unopened for a whole year. I remember this happening last year now that I think about it. We were used to our other bills coming out automatically so we really never opened them or the gas bill, then one day we opened one that came in a different kind of envelope than the typical bill, to find out we were way behind. We paid it off immediately but at the time I opened the bill last night, I didn't even think of that. It can only mean two things. I'm either losing my mind, or I am extremely worried about this whole thing. Any one little thing and the whole thing could end up in an ugly court battle. One that I would rather not put my kids through. I even worried all weekend that while he was on vacation with his whore that they would get in an argument causing him to not want to sign the papers. Please whore, keep him happy at least 4 more hours, then screw up all you want, it will be too late. Think happy thoughts, think happy thoughts, think about care bears, and strawberry shortcake, and the world that exists where people live happily ever after. I of course, after making a complete idiot of myself on the phone, called the guy that I'm planning to start seeing after my divorce. I should give him a name here, something I call him at least so that I don't have to type all that out everytime. I could call him the ego, for he is a bit cocky, but I like cocky. I could call him tall guy, because he is, I'm actually excited that I'll be able to wear heels again. I can't decide what to call him actually. Any suggestions? Feel free to make them. So I call him and he of course makes it all seem okay. He is the one that reminded me I've done all my homework and I will be fine. Easy for him to say, but yes it helps to hear that. I must go get ready now, ready in more ways than one, physically and emotionally, for now I am a bundle of nerves, wish me luck.

Sometimes I feel....

Sometimes I feel like I am just waiting for the other shoe to drop. I seem to be making it through this okay, so I'm just sure that everything falling apart can only be right around the corner. I mean just a couple of months ago this seemed like the end of the world. Some people mourn the loss of their significant other for a long time. I think I had already started mourning before he left. I knew there were problems. Lots of times, now that I look back. I wanted it to be over. The most recent such event was our trip to New York. First, I had always said I would love to go to New York. I never thought it would be a great place to take our children so I never actually asked to go. It's kinda like how you say man, I would love to go to France someday or whatever but you figure, when the right vacation time comes around, and the money is there, you will do it. Other than that you plan your trips according to what your current capabilities are. I thought maybe someday when the kids were with their grandparents, we might go for a weekend trip. Imagine my surprise when my soon to be ex came home and said hey why don't we take our vacation to New York? I was excited, and he said he had checked and there were lots of things for kids to do there. Let me just say now, most of the time in our years I planned our trips begining to end. Everything  we would do there, and getting the best deal on a great hotel room. Let me tell you right now. Hotwire is my friend :). You can really, really get great hotels for fairly cheap. Just pay attention to how many stars a hotel has before you book. Anyway this is turning into a commercial and trust me I'm not getting paid for it. Back to the trip, at this point I was still fairly deep in depression and had lost interest in all travel planning. I said yeah, sounds great, think we could see a broadway show? That about sums up my input into planning. He booked the hotel, told me all about the museum, said we were going to The Empire State Building, Central Park, he had really planned what sounded like quite a trip. I was actually pretty excited to be going by the time we left.

   We get to New York and the first problem was, he booked our hotel but it only had a double bed. This meant he planned for the kids to sleep on the floor, the entire vacation. I even offered to switch off with them but he told me I was being silly and they were fine. The floor wasn't comfortable so I insisted we at least get them sleeping bags. He agreed that would be okay. I don't think he was trying to be mean exactly, just that he was always kinda thoughtless like that. The next problem was he intended that we walk everywhere. For him and myself, this was fine, for two children ages 6 and 7 in February, freezing cold, walking all over New York doesn't exactly make for a great vacation. They were tired, and no matter how much I begged him to take a cab, he said no and got mad, yes I could have just did it anyway, but since I didn't have cash on me I didn't. I should have just went to an ATM but the thing is, when you need one you can never find one. I also was never really one to completely defy him. I would argue, yes, but I rarely just did what I wanted despite what he felt.

   We got tickets for a broadway show. It was 42nd Street. Our daughter was starting to get a cough, we bought the tickets the same day as the show, that evening she was starting to feel a little warm. I asked if she felt up to going, she said yes. I asked him before we left, could we take a taxi home, since when we would leave the theater, it would be late. He said, yeah. We walked to the show, no major deal since it wasn't too far. Also, we were stopping to have dinner on the way so it made the walk seem like less. It was extremely cold though so still, not a pleasant walk. We watched the show and during it, as most parents know, in the evening for some reason kids seem to get sicker. My daughter started coughing more. At one point I offered to leave early. I would have hated to because it was really a good show. I just felt really bad because her cough was getting frequent and I thought we should go get her some medicine and get her to bed. She said she wanted to stay and he agreed with her that we should. I didn't argue with them, because as I said before, I really wanted to stay. When it was over, she was feeling pretty warm and coughing. We went outside and decided to walk the half block to the drugstore to get some medicine, and i heard no mention of a taxi from him. I asked him if he just wanted to take one from the drugstore, he just kind of shrugged me off. When we came out, he started walking toward our hotel, I asked him what he was doing. He said it seemed silly to take a taxi such a short distance. I know, it was only half a mile, but to children, in bitter cold at night, especially when they are sick, after walking their butts miles the days previous, that is akin to asking them to climb Mt. Everest. I argued, even to the point that I began to cry, because I will tell you now, I am easily overwhelmed with emotion, even more so during my depression. It just felt like he didn't care. I know he did care but he sure had an odd way of showing it. The kids were quite upset because he had also told them we could take a taxi home and they really wanted to. Funny how something so simple, cheap and easy can become the basis of a huge fight.

   I felt at this point of course that he was pretty selfish. I felt like he cared about $5 more than he cared about the children, because let's face it, cab fare in NY isn't really all that much. Of course I also felt that he just didn't understand. Maybe that was it, maybe he just never realized.

   So the point of this entry is that yes, we had problems, I knew that we did. I just also felt that if you have love, then problems may exist but they will eventually not seem so important. I mean how many times have you had a day that seemed so incredibly horrible that you didn't think it could EVER get better, then a year down the road that moment doesn't seem significant at all. That's kinda what I thought. I just was sure that we would always be together and that our problems would either work themselves out, or we would get help to work them out. I even had asked him if we could go get help once. He insisted we were fine without it. I guess when he decided he needed help, it wasn't the kinda help a professional gives. Just the kind some whore can give. I should really go now, I wrote this mostly the other day, then I wasn't sure it really ended. I usually like to at least end with a bit of humor, however today I need to write another entry, so I shall post. Oh I know, here I can insert something about me being long winded, and that even when a post is over, I still keep rambling. Not good enough? Bah! The end! (for this post)

My fears....

Well, you know quite a bit about the way I think, and a little about my past, I'm sure I will go more into depth about our marriage and eventually detail some of the good. It wasn't always bad, I mean if it was, would we have made it 7 years. Of course it could be said we didn't really "make it" 7 years because in any event the last two were just merely getting by. I would like to share with you a journal entry I made within a few days of when he told me we should split up, granted at this time I thought by saying split up he meant divorce. He later said separation, because possibly the time apart would do us good. When he moved out I suggested he get a place less permanent to live than signing a 1 year lease. I suggested 6 months. I later found out of course why he chose a 1 year lease. He already knew he meant divorce. He just wasn't ready to be a real man and tell me this. This entry is highly personal and will probably reduce me to tears again, so if I stop writing I will hopefully return to finish with the same train of thought.

5-17-04
 
I wait, slowly feeling the air being sucked from my body, I look around thinking surely some outer force is taking control. There is non. It is the pain I feel that encapsulates me, body and soul. I would eat but it all tastes like dirt, chewing and feeling tiny grains between my teeth. Sucking it down dryly, I would be left unfulfilled. I would cry, but the tears are now dry, feeling my body heave as they want to escape. There is none. Left to suck air that does not nourish my body. Merely surviving. All that is left are my kids. They do not know but "innocent son" senses it. He hugs me more. Oh how I've ached for that affection. I feel so much safer from his hugs. If "innocent daughter" knew, she'd be crushed. It would tear her apart to know what a failure I've been. To completely empty my soul is almost cleansing. There is nothing, so from here I start. The world that once seemed full seems nearly empty and I wonder if the air I've struggled to breathe would matter so much if it ceased to exist.
 
I'm not sure I've ever felt as low as I did that night. Yes, for a long time I'd felt sad, but until that night I'd never felt like such a complete failure. We stopped sleeping together. He took to sleeping on the sofa. I did not stop caring. He said he was uncomfortable so I told him he was welcome to sleep in the bed, that it wasn't like we hated each other and there was no fear we would do anything. He seemed to not want me to care. He went back and forth, one minute blaming me, the next saying it wasn't me and pointing out things he did wrong. I was torn inside because I almost felt that him blaming me was more what he really meant and that when he said it wasn't me it was only because he was too much of a coward to say what he really felt. I could only blame myself at the time. I couldn't see past the next day. Sometimes I just wasn't sure I would make it to the next day.  At this point I had not told a soul. I was scared to. I kept thinking if I didn't tell anyone, he could change his mind and there would be no harm. I'd eventually get over it, right? I don't think I ate at all those first two weeks. I lost around 20 lbs. I would try to eat but everything I would eat wouldn't stay down. The kids kept asking me to eat. I couldn't even sit at the table with the three of them so I would say I wasn't hungry. I was scared that if I had to look them all in the face that I would be reduced to tears. I did not want to cry in front of my children. I can remember when I was young, the scariest thing in the world was to see my mother cry. She rarely did so whenever it happened I knew it was something bad. The next entry I will share came after we told the kids.

5-24-04
 
Everyday seems worse. Today we told the kids. "Innocent daughter" took it well, "innocent son" did not. He cried, which made me cry. I hate "Jackass" right now for being a liar. He promised to always love me and our kids. His own selfishness comes before everyone. He cares only about living the single life. Fucking other women. How can he watch "innocent son" cry and not KNOW this is wrong. I told him to shove his rings up his ass. I meant it. They were a symbol of love that NEVER existed. I can't think rationally about something that makes me so emotional. I want him to go. Just leave already, stop rubbing it in my face and fucking me GONE. He made his decision. I have no say, so just leave. I hope everyday to wake from this nightmare, on the days I want to wake up at all.

 
So you see now, what I felt, right after it happened and as it was going on. The problem is that even though I know it wasn't my failure I still feel the pain that exists from it. This will probably affect every relationship I ever have again. I told you there was a guy, a new guy that I am talking to. So now we get to my fears. My fears are probably going to destroy any chance we really have. I have to ask for constant reassurance. Any small detail changing and I suddenly wonder if he is tiring of me or if there is someone that he would rather talk to. This of course is just my insecurity but when someone has left you for someone else, it is how you feel.  I have nightmares and wake up scared at night. The scariest thing is being alone at night. I have never lived on my own. I wonder if I would be able to protect my children if someone broke into the house. On nights like this I wish I hadn't read so many true crime stories. The funny thing is, he wasn't exactly someone that I would have felt could protect us, but just the fact that he was a man. I know it sounds weird but it just made me feel safer when he was here. The kids want to sleep in my bed at night. I'm trying not to let them because I know they are really getting too old for that. Some nights it's nice to just have them so close, so when they sneak in I pretend to already be asleep. This way I don't seem to be letting them sometimes and not, other times. It makes them think that they are only getting away with it because I'm already sleeping. Silly, isn't it? Most of the time I carry them back to their beds.

   School will be starting soon, so we have to start a routine. I plan to be my son's room mother this year. I was my daughter's last year and I promised him I would do it for him this year. I know, I'm going back to school, probably getting a part time job at least, and room mother too? How will I find the time. Truth is, I don't know, but he has had enough disappointment for one year. I can't let him down. I asked him if he minded if I didn't and his response was, "Mom, you promised!" He is right, I did, so I will do it even if it kills me. I should really wrap this entry up. I just didn't want anyone to think I was getting lazy with the entries. Just been busy, laundry doesn't wash itself, and no matter how much I try to teach them, dishes don't wash themselves either. I sure hope children are easier to teach than dishes! :)

 

Attorney's aren't scary at all

So today I went to see my attorney. She took down all the information and is going to draw up the papers. She said the agreement we had worked out seemed pretty fair. She did say that I could probably get alimony for 5 years. I had heard 4 previously but she said it would be the full term needed to complete school and that it would probably be 5 considering I couldn't go year round. Anyway I told her I am okay with 3. I am not trying to make this any harder than it already is. The child support agreement is pretty generous and I am happy about that. I plan to try to set some of it back for our innocent children whenever I can afford to do so. For now it is going to require me budgeting items. She seemed quite pleased with our reasonable lack of debt. We do have one credit card but aside from that only the cars and the house otherwise. She is going to put down the basic visitation terms but said whatever we workout beyond that is our doing. We have worked out a plan for every other weekend, Tuesday and Thursday evenings, one week during the summer and every other holiday. She said she could have our papers ready for us by next week and that I could either take them to him to sign and have notarized or we could both come there to sign them and she would notarize them. I called my soon to be ex and he said he would be available to come sign them on Tuesday afternoon. We set up the time and said goodbye. He is on his way out of town today with his whore and her innocent child. I wished them a safe trip. I almost kinda meant it... almost. I do mean it only for the fact that the innocent child would be affected by a not safe trip. Her mother is a whore but I pity her more for this.

   I finally decided to tell my cousin about the breakup. I say breakup, not because I take it lightly but because she didn't even know we had split much less were getting a divorce. I've mostly hid this from my family. My mother and stepfather know. My mother has known since it happened two months ago. It was hard to tell her. I'm not sure why. I guess it meant admitting my failure to her. It was also hard not to tell her because I have always been very close to her. During my depression we have not been as close. I shut out almost everyone that I was close to. I think I felt I didn't deserve their attention or love or maybe I just felt unable to put on my happy face for them. I'm really not sure which. I know that only I could know what I was feeling but honestly, I really don't know why I felt the things I felt. I just knew I couldn't confide in anyone for fear they would know how imperfect my world was. Anyway my family is pretty chatty, we are southern after all, and I knew if I told anyone that it would spread.  I just couldn't keep it from my cousin anymore. Her birthday is coming up and we always see eachother on her birthday or near it. It was easy to explain away my birthday because I went to Los Angeles during that time. If I were to see her on her birthday and she didn't already know then I would be forced to tell her on her birthday, how awful would that be? Happy Birthday wonderful cousin that I love, oh by the way, my husband left me for some whore and I'm getting a divorce, shall I cut the cake for you? Yeah I think I'll pass on that. Or if I don't see her at all then she thinks that I have some personal problem with her. So yeah I told her. The sad thing is, she said she kinda had a feeling this was happening. He has been changing a lot over the past year, lost a lot of weight, started dressing better, cut his hair, started getting highlights, just generally caring about his appearance more. She said she almost said something last time she saw me about it, but thought better of it. I told her I kind of had a feeling too. They say those are signs but what could I do, hey sweetie, you know how you actually care about your appearance now? Are you cheating on me? I mentioned once that he was exhibiting the signs of infidelity, but I did it kinda jokingly and laughing just to gauge his reaction. It didn't make me think anything was particularly up. Now I feel kind of dumb. I can look back and say I should have known though and in all honesty I kind of did think it, but you can't accuse someone based on your feeling. No matter how strong that feeling is.

   I did notice a comment on my blog. It was something about rethinking their current relationship. Just so I am fairly clear on this I do not think all men are bad, or that all relationships are bad. I think some are, and we should be more aware of things when they are bad. So if you think that you recognize things here that make your relationship bad then by all means do what makes you feel comfortable. Just didn't want to seem like I am bashing all men here. I know there are good ones. Most of my dearest friends are guys. I have a few friends that are girls. I was just never as close to them for some reason. I feel free to tell guys things that I don't feel free to tell girls. I know this sounds weird but I feel like when I share certain things with girls that it turns into some competition. Either their life is better, or worse, or harder, or easier, or whatever. Why the need for a pissing contest? I also sometimes get the problem of feeling that they are going to go back and tell someone. Let's face it women, we are a bit more talkative and open with things. You tell a man something and most of the time, he isn't going to tell a soul. Why? Because men don't like to talk. They like to do things! Not that women friends are bad, when you need someone to talk to that will talk back, they totally rock. Oddly I think that is why I have so many gay guy friends, you truly get the best of both worlds. They love to talk back and they do still talk to others about things but you don't get the competition factor as much. Also just to be clear the female friends I do have, or did are mostly awesome and not the gossipy type at all. This is why they are my friends. Or at least they were. As I said before I mostly pushed everyone out of my life quite some time ago. If any are still part of my life it's because they haven't given up on me even though I did push. Sometimes friends are just kind of special like that.

   So now that I have stereotyped everyone and I'm sure pissed quite a few people off... hate me yet? I'm sure at some point reading this, you will say to yourself, "No wonder your husband left you! You are opinionated and annoying!" I know I am, but he knew I was too when he married me, he said he loved the fact that I was so opinionated and outspoken. Oddly I kind of lost that through the years because he only liked it when it was directed at someone else. If I had an opinion on anything he was doing or had done, he didn't care to hear it. 

   I know it sounds like we didn't have much in common and you probably are thinking, well of course you didn't work out, you were too different. We did have quite a few differences, but we also had some stuff in common. We were both born in the same city, which is in another state from where we both lived when we met. We had both been raised without our real fathers in the picture. This actually made me more comfortable that he wouldn't leave. He knew how it felt to not have your father there. I guess I was wrong.

   We also had differences, that became similarities, possibly because of my open mind to change. He was an athiest, I was on the fence at the time. I wanted to believe in a god, I thought I believed in one, but he had so many good arguments about why one didn't exist that I really couldn't deny it anymore. It is my own fault for being so impressionable. I really should have been more firm in what I believed. I still feel he was right though. If there really is a god, and the bible is his word, and not just crap men have bent and twisted to their own needs through the years then he is definitely not a god I want to worship. Have I offended you all yet? I figure by the time this is over, everyone will hate me. I don't mean to be controversial but I also won't hide what I feel to make people like me. I am open for discussion or debate on the subject if you ever would like. You can always contact me through my yahoo which is listed in my profile.

Just talked to my hmmm soon to be ex

Well so I'm really not sure what to call him today but since it ended on an okay note I will go with soon to be ex. It started out fairly rocky. He accused me of jealousy and filling the kids heads with stuff. Of course while we were on the phone in classic innocent daughter form, she came in the room wanting to express a bit of how she felt to her father. She holds back because she fears his feelings will be hurt and also fears he will get upset and yell. He does kind of yell when he is upset, I guess most guys do huh? Anyway the point being that he heard some of it come out of her mouth and since he had accused me of putting it there I asked her directly, "Do I tell you this stuff?" she responded that no, it was how she felt.

   After hearing this he calmed his attitude toward me down quite a bit. I think he finally realized that the kids aren't doing as well with this as he thought that they were. I told him definitively I do NOT want him back. I once loved him and would have been with him until his dying day. I once would have given him my heart just so that he may live longer even if it would have meant my death. That day has passed. Now I'm not even sure I'd give him a piece of my liver. I say that, but I probably would do that much. He would never get a piece of me that I actually need to survive though. I will save that devotion for someone worthy.

   I expressed to him that tomorrow I am going to speak with an attorney. I have been told that I can get 4 years of alimony. I was also told that the amount I could get would be almost twice as much in alimony as what he offered me. He only offered it for 2 years though. That isn't enough. I am asking for 3 years. It will take that long to get my degree. I do plan to work during that time, but with the added expense of school I will need the extra coming in. He said this is unfair as nobody paid for his college.  I've heard this before right? Anyway I am totally annoyed by that argument. Who cares what someone did or didn't do for you? I offered to help him go back to college. I told him I'd take on more responsibility at home if he wanted me to. He kept talking about it but never did it.

   There are breakdowns in the marriage that I will admit to. I was NOT the best housekeeper. Partially because I hate housework, partially because when I'd make the effort to do things he never expressed any appreciation. I need to hear that what I am doing is good enough. Otherwise I feel that it isn't or never will be. I am a perfectionist, people mistakenly think that means that I do things perfect, that would be wrong. What it means is that my mentality is if I can't do something right (or perfect) I shouldn't do it at all. A psychiatrist once tried to teach me that I should change that to if something is worth doing, it is worth doing wrong. I thought about it, and decided I would never be able to get myself into that mentality. So I quit going, I mean if I can't do it right, why bother eh? Okay so maybe I didn't exactly learn anything while I was there. He tried, I was also bothered by his blame everything on my family belief. He felt that if I had certain feelings or reactions, that it was because of my mother, or father (or lack thereof), or grandparents. I really only saw the guy three times so maybe I should have given it more of a chance.

   The soon to be ex pointed out that I quit taking the medication that time I was on meds for PMDD. So I pointed out that he also agreed that I should stop taking it. I truly think he forgot that it wasn't really helping all that much and was giving me headaches. He seems to forget a lot of stuff. He forgot that the other day he basically laughed at me when I asked him to replace some money in my account that some company auto drafted. Just to explain, he tried to get high speed internet service. The company couldn't get him connected so he had to send the equipment back. He did, and they acknowledge he did, but they made a mistake and drafted my account as if it were an early cancellation. They plan to reimburse it, but the thing is, I am the one out that money until they decide to put it back. I asked him if he would put it there until the company replaces it and then he can take it back. He has full access to my account. I thought it was a reasonable request, but he obviously disagreed. Now he says he offered to give it to me, which he didn't, I mean honestly if he did, why would i refuse it? It makes no sense whatsoever. I really am starting to wonder if he is taking drugs. His recent behavior is completely different than his previous. Maybe he is depressed, maybe he is having a breakdown, who knows. He left me and pushed me away. What can I do except move on from there. It's what I'm doing.

   There is someone new in my life. I've not yet met him in person yet. He has been there for me in so many ways. From the day my husband walked out, I basically turned on my computer and wanted to lose myself inside it, there were a few people who wanted to be there for me, who tried, they couldn't find the right things to say. He somehow did. That first day I wanted nothing more than to die. I wanted my life to end. I didn't want to bring that death upon myself, but I just felt it would make things easier for all concerned if I just died. I hoped for it. If I believed in a god I am sure I would have prayed for it. I do not believe in one, so I just tried to will it to happen. I hit some pretty incredible lows. He said simply, it is his loss. Seems simple and I'm sure a lot of people say it, but somehow it is what I needed to hear. Since then we talked, and have found a lot of common ground. On my birthday, he was the only one aside from my parents to give me something. He sent me flowers and a teddy bear. Very simple and to the point. Also when I was very upset one night, after my soon to be ex threatened to try to get custody I was crying pretty much uncontrollably. He talked to me and asked me what he could do to cheer me up. I told him simply, you can draw a big mean monster eating my ex. I was kinda joking, kinda not, but he did it. It was so sweet, in a twisted kind of way and it helped me to get past my crying for the time being. I now have it set as my desktop picture to remind me that even when things are at their worst, there is still room to smile. It helps surprisingly. I can not tell what my future holds but I hope he is a part of it. At least until he gets tired of putting up with my insecurities. He actually cares about my feelings, and he can read me like a book. If he asks me how I am and I say fine, he always seems to know when I'm not being entirely honest. He is also in computers but I won't hold that against him. The kids know him to be a friend of mine but nothing more. I don't want to spill more confusion into their lives. It's hard enough for them to understand as is. My soon to be ex doesn't seem to care about the message he is sending them by having his whore spend the night with them present.

   Back to the attorney, I got good news. Turns out I can request that they not smoke around my children in the papers. If he won't agree to it, the court would order it anyway as it is a health hazard. Anyway my soon to be ex admitted that he couldn't contest the terms of the divorce in court as he is running out of money. He was angry that I can, however when I pointed out that he is keeping a larger share of our money and has fewer bills so he SHOULD be able to afford it, unless he is using too much spending money, he had no response. He is acting like a spoiled child when he doesn't get his way. I told him I won't put up with it. I said clearly, I will have the attorney draft the divorce as I see it, then you can send back whatever your counter offer is, if I don't agree, we can go to court, if I do, then it can be uncontested. This angered him, as he now realizes he can't back me into a corner on this. Oh well, that is life. I must go get ready to take the kids out for dinner with my mother. They invited her to go out. They love their nana, what can I say?

When I grow up....

Okay so you know how when you are a child, you say, "When I grow up I want to be..." well, my answer, when I had one, was always to be a school teacher. Somewhere along the line I decided that being a mother was a pretty close second to that. I let go of what I wanted. When my soon to be ex left, I was faced with filling in that blank again. Two answers came to mind. I could go to school to become a school teacher, or a real estate agent. I like the process of finding the perfect house and working out a great deal. I was the one that handled the negotiating when we got both of our houses. Don't get me wrong, we did use an agent, however I am the one that dealt very hands on with everything in the process with her. I would probably make more money being a real estate agent. I even have a friend in the business that has offered to help me get started. She is quite successful at it and really knows what she is doing. The fact is, as much as I would enjoy real estate, it isn't my dream. I feel compelled at this point to follow my dream. I am going to see about enrolling in school. It will take at least 3 years, but I can do substitute work while I'm going to school.

   I have told my soon to be ex about my desire to enroll in school, he seems quite bitter about this. I'm not sure if it is because he would rather see me fail or because he is jealous that I would be able to go to college. He had to drop out of college due to the fact that in his line of work, experience is more beneficial than schooling. He is a software engineer, a rather successful one at that. He is mostly self taught as he didn't really take many classes along the lines of computer science in college. He is just really booksmart like that. He does, however, lack common sense.

   Everyone else seems to be very encouraging of my dream. My mother said she will help me as much as she can. The counselor of my children's school said she has always thought that I would make a good teacher. She said I seem very open minded and accepting. She also said I seem organized. I guess looks can be deceiving. You guys can tell that I am not all that organized by the lack of organization in my journal. I am trying to become more organized though! I want some order in my life.

There are other things changing in my life. I find I have less time for my computer. The time I do have, I spend chatting with my friends. I would love to share a little about them but true to form I do not plan to name any names. These are people that whether they know it or not, saved my life. I will start with one of my longest friends, we shall just call him my brother. I have actually come to call him brother over the years. We have known eachother for about 2 years now! I met him in an old game I played it was during the time that things first became rough for my husband and I. I was looking for a place to be the person I am, as the person I was had been pushed inside me for some time. The person I am, is silly, sarcastic, loving, caring, outspoken, and yes, as the counselor pointed out open minded! I'm not sure exactly when I lost these traits, but sometimes they would pop out anyway. In my game, I felt free to be all of these things and it was appreciated by the people I knew there. The game itself was a bit on the repetitive side, so silly people made it fun. My brother and I ran a house within the game for people to visit and we were very successful with it. It was among the most popular houses within our server. Of course this is no substitute for real life success, but it was definitely an outlet to escape to. My brother and I soon realized how much alike we were. We share the same ideals on many things. We have always been able to look to the other for support. Yes, we do argue, don't all siblings, but we also always make up. He has learned that I'm always right... (ducks) just kidding. He is right a lot of the time. We take our turns at it. One thing we also share... our appreciation for men. Yes he is gay, it doesn't identify him, it is just one facet of his personality and it made it easier to become close with him. I didn't fear other feelings creeping in. He has been such a source of support for me, I don't think he knows just how much he has meant to me these past two years. When I would go to him he always had such great advice and tells me what he thinks, even if it isn't what I want to hear. I thank him for this, because he has always been there for me and I wouldn't have made it through a lot of things without his sound words of wisdom. 

   There are many others I will mention in time, but to keep this post from becoming another behemoth entry, I will hold off on those. I have written a poem to the whore. Let me know what you think...

Ode To the Other Woman by Woman Scorned

 
I really want to hate you
Deep inside I do
But really to be honest
I should be thanking you.
 
Sure you have my husband
You two think you’re cute
But you are so damn ugly
You make me want to puke.
 
I thought that I would be bothered
By the pictures of you two
But the man you have is not
The man that I once knew.
 
You don’t have my husband
You have some other man
Some man that I would never want
To ever hold my hand.
 
So please be sure you keep him
You two deserve each other
This doesn’t mean that I won’t laugh
When he leaves you for another.
 

Into the past....

So today I had a very decent conversation with..... my soon to be ex. Okay so I know I said I'd refer to him as the jackass from there forth but the thing is, I will refer to him as one when his attitude calls for it and otherwise I will call him the soon to be ex, sound okay? Of course we didn't really discuss anything to do with the divorce, mostly just what time he is picking the kids up today and the fact that he isn't getting them on Thursday because he is taking his whore and her innocent child out of town. Nice huh? It's okay because I plan to take our innocent children to the beach in September with my mom. So I need to go back a bit because someone very special to me asked that I share a bit about what was making me sad, he said the history of the situation needed a bit of elaboration. To be honest I'm not exactly sure what made me so sad. A combination of things. Never really feeling like anything I did was good enough was a key factor. I will share some excerpts from my journal previous to this whole thing. I once got a part time job, because mostly if I did things at home, they weren't enough or good enough. If I did laundry, it wasn't as soft as my mom washed them (she used to help with our laundry when the kids were both very little) If I paid the bills but missed one because it was stuffed in a bag by his mother then I should have done better, yes I should have but it wasn't an intentional mistake.  I wanted to feel appreciated somewhere, yes the kids appreciated me but that is different.
 
11-28-01
I have been working more lately and it seems (the soon to be ex) is angry about it. He has a major attitude about it lately. I get more appreciation at work that I do at home. It really bothers me because he is supposed to love me yet strangers appreciate me more. When I try to share my feelings about this he acts as if I am just throwing these accusations out of nowhere. I am also waking up to the fact that no matter how much I hurt over things, he really does not care. Am I really willing to settle for this being my life? I always wanted more. The kids of course end up hearing more than I would like them to because they are up so late. I  don’t know though. It really bothers me. I just wish he felt the way he used to. He used to not enjoy my tears so much. Now it seems he thrives on them. He also made sure to tell me how insignificant my job is compared to his. Well I guess it is. I have been home with our children for years now so that he could get somewhere in his job. He had to job hop for a while to get to where he is. It took struggling for both of us but my life isn't worth as much I guess. Well I have written & cried enough for now. I will try to write again tomorrow.
 
I was never really much of a journal writer. I should have been. It always helped to get things out. Perhaps that will change if I make my journal online. I enjoy typing more than I do writing. My next entry came a few days later....
 
12-01-01
 
(I said a lot of stuff about my job that was mostly inconsequential stuff about it changing over to another company and my job title changing but nothing important yet at the end I wrote this)...... I really don't feel as though (the soon to be ex) and I ever resolved anything the other day. It just all got dropped so I hope things don't start back up. Well I must go for now.
 
This was how it usually was for us though. We would start out discussing a problem, sometimes it turned to arguing sometimes it didn't but we never really resolved things. I was never much of one to bottle things up, but throughout my marriage I learned the best way to keep peace was to learn to keep them inside.  It worked best that way. It was the way he had always dealt with things, and was the only way he understood. I’ve always been the type to adapt to things around me so it was natural for me to change to suit him. Just because I change doesn’t mean I am happy to do it. It means that I’d rather change than fight. I found myself giving over to his whims a lot throughout our marriage. Small things such as picking out furniture or decorations or anything. Just to give a specific example. We went to pick out new dining room furniture. My only request was no light colored fabric and basically anything he picked would be fine. I will put links to the pictures in here of what we ended up with. It was a light off white fabric that shows every little drop of food or drink that hits it. Very pretty stuff if you don’t actually plan to use it… especially with kids. The chairs didn’t even make it a week before our kids launched their full out attack. My (not so innocent) son laid a grape Popsicle down on the table. The plastic was already cut open for him. It was the flav-o-ice variety. As it melted, it leaked a huge purple puddle underneath and on the chair. I thought I would cry right there. As the months passed the chairs only got worse, which is why I reupholstered them the other day. I actually took them apart and reupholstered them myself. I have a before and after pic of the chairs. They look so much better! I probably would have done this before now but I figured if I did it, I’d have to find a fabric we both agreed upon and then he would say that they didn’t look that great or that they were just okay. This is just a small sample. I just always felt like whatever I said didn’t matter anyway so why bother.
 
 There were other things that I had to just give over to his whims. He would always pick up some little hobby or another. Around Christmas his hobby was carving so I looked everywhere for a hand carving kit as he was sure this was his calling! He didn’t want machine carving tools, which are easier to find and easier on your hands. He did that for all of 3 weeks then it was over for him. He also got into woodworking in general, so for Christmas I bought him a table saw and router with a table. He used them to make a TV table for my daughter’s room and a plant shelf with lighting in our room. Both very nice, but afterwards he was through with it. Then he went through a phase of wanting to play guitar. Before that phase was over he owned 3 guitars and knew how to play maybe one song. He gave that up. Other various phases were fishing, fly fishing, electronic wiring, gardening. The main reason I call these phases is he would start out having to own everything and know everything about it, then they lose interest, making the items obsolete. I used to make jokes about how long until he lost interest in me. I guess it was 7 years. I am not going to say my sadness should be blamed on him, but he contributed. My doctor says depression is hormonal. I believe that. I think he could have been more attentive and noticed it, but then I’m not sure I’d recognize signs of depression in someone else. It just feels he could have been more understanding or at least given the fact that this was so drastic of a change for me, looked into it being caused by something. Maybe he blamed himself. Who knows, but let’s just say if he was worried that he was the one making me sad he sure had a messed up way of trying to make it better. Yeah leave me for another woman, that ought to cheer me right up. Thanks for your love, but next time you can keep it.  Okay so this kind of explains some of my sadness I hope.

So I didn't even wait a day...

but I'm ready to write more. So the thing is this.... I figured she had to know my screen name on AOL so I took a chance and put something in my profile about my husband being an adulterer and to contact him if he sounded interesting.... maybe not the nicest thing I've ever done but it was effective at what I was trying to do. I figured she would contact me. Although she took the childish cowards way out and I will be posting the correspondence here with her but I will change the screen names, her name will be changed to The Whore, for obvious reasons. Mine will be changed to Woman Scorned, I've replaced my husbands name with Jackass (for obvious reasons) and my kids with innocent son and innocent daughter


From: Woman Scorned
To: The Whore
 
just wanted to return the favor and you made it so easy to find you too, anyway just wanted you to know you better watch what you call me in front of my kids, they don't appreciate you or what you say, and stop whoring with my husband in their presence please, what you do with him outside of their presence is completely up to you. Have a great day :P
 
 
The Response I received is as follows:
 
From: The Whore
To: Woman Scorned
 

First of all, I am not a whore. If and when you choose to address me, do so by my name. Secondly, as much as I disrespect you, I have tremendous respect for your children and their feelings. I have never spoken ill of you in their presence and (Jackass) and I always think of their well-being given the awkward situation. It is your jealousy and immaturity that is causing the majority of the confusion the kids feel. We have discussed our relationship with (innocent son) and (innocent daughter) on numerous occassions and they both seem perfectly fine with it. As much as you may hate it, they enjoy spending time with us and my daughter. Lastly, as far as (Jackass) enjoying adultery, we didn't lay a hand on each other until after he moved out of the house. My suggestion to you is that you grow up, stay out of our relationship, and please refrain from contacting me in any way. I will not play childish games with you. I am above that.  
                                                              Thanks, 
                                                                The Whore
 
 
So of course I had to respond as follows
 
From: Woman Scorned
To: The Whore
 
You have no respect for me? Let me tell you a little something, you are the one that is sleeping with a married man, whether he has moved out or not, that is adultery. The actual definition of adultery is.... a·dul·ter·y    ( P )  Pronunciation Key   (-dlt-r, -tr)n. pl. a·dul·ter·ies Voluntary sexual intercourse between a married person and a partner other than the lawful spouse. Take note that Jackass and I are still married. We hadn't even really discussed divorce until after you and he were seeing each other. As far as the law is concerned, what he is doing now is adultery and you are his whore. Just so you know, the way Jackass talks to me when you are around is totally different than how he speaks to me when you aren't around. So much so that I have told him do NOT call me in your presence. You are correct my children enjoy playing with your child. Although they complain of her spitting at them and lying on them, but with you for a mother that doesn't surprise me. I found it rather satirical that your AOL profile says one of your hobbies is spitting on people. That also doesn't surprise me. They do not mind seeing you, it's the sleep overs they mind, the way you two go in his room and sit on the bed as soon as you get home closing the door. They do NOT consider this quality time with their father and if you think that is thinking of their well being then you are an idiot. Calling me a name in front of them was the icing on the cake though. You think I have poisoned their minds against you. I don't have to. My kids will never tell you how they feel because they said they fear they would hurt their daddy's feelings. They are the ones that asked that I get daddy to promise you wouldn't spend the night while I was out of town, because they wanted some time alone with daddy.   If you think that calling me names in front of my children is mature, you have a lot to learn. You are never going to be welcome at any event regarding them, birthday parties, games or whatever. As far as jealousy goes. I admit I was hurt in the beginning, because when he moved out, I was told that we were only separating so that we could try to work on things. It wasn't until after he sprung you on me that he started talking divorce. Now, I don't want him back in any way shape or form. He is a cheater, you aren't the first. You two deserve each other and I have found better already, however because I am not a whore I am waiting until after the divorce to begin any real relationship. I AM thinking of how this affects my children and what I would be teaching them if I did. Lack of religion does not equal lack of morals. Although you seemingly lack both, which is sad. You say you are above childish games, yet you aren't above much else. If you think having your friend contact me through aim instead of you doing it yourself, wasn't childish, you are mistaken. Have a good day and learn to watch the behavior you conduct yourself with in front of my children.
 
Since this response the only response I got from her were pictures added to her profile of herself and my husband in various poses that I'm sure she thought would annoy me, with captions saying stuff like we're so in love and stuff. Blah blah blah. Anyway I put something in my profile basically thanking her for those pics and asking for more as they will be quite useful in court. I really, really don't want him back. At this point I just want to prove to myself that I can run this household on my own and with my kids having some sense of normalcy. One thing that is bothering me a lot too is that they are smoking around the kids. He never smoked when we were together. My views on that are as follows, if you wish to slowly choke your lungs with cigarette smoke, as an adult that is your right, however kids have rights too and by forcing them to inhale your asthma, cancer, emphyzema causing sticks of death you are infringing on their right to breathe clean air. I am not a goody two shoes, but I know first hand the effects of second hand smoke. I don't want my kids having to deal with asthma attacks if it can be avoided.
 
So today for my first time ever I mowed the lawn with a push mower. I used to mow my mother's lawn but it was a riding mower. I had to learn how to start it, and keep it started, and empty the grass bag and it was sooo hot i got dehydrated and got a horrible headache but it is satisfying to say I no longer NEED someone to mow the lawn for me, as I can do it myself.... just hope that the weather cools off some! :-D I also have repainted my bathroom since he left. He had chosen the color and it was this horrid bright red, very unsettling color for a bathroom so I repainted it this color that is btwn lavender and cornflower blue. It looks great and relaxing and I enjoy bubble baths in it again :D I'll be sure to detail a bit more about the guy I referred to in my last response to the whore later. Maybe my next post
 
 
 
 
 
 


 
 
 

The journal

I have decided that I would like to keep a record of my life and goals from this day forth. As an introduction to myself I will start by saying this, I have been a stay at home mom for the past 7 years. Partially by choice and partially because there was no reason for me to get a job outside the home. Life was seemingly fine the first 5 years. Things were a bit disatisfying at times and I had reason to believe my husband had been unfaithful a few times but well I will let you judge for yourself by posting those reasons. Two months before we got married (although I was pregnant and we were living together) I found an email from him to another girl responding to her aol personals ad. When I confronted him, he seemed genuinely sorry and said he unsent it. I wanted to believe him because honestly if I didn't it would mean I would then be alone with two children. I hoped for the best and put it behind me although it did affect my trust. The next real sign of possible infidelity came a few years later, I found an email from a girl that was saying how awesome he was and she really wanted to meet him after their chat and blah blah blah. I logged in as him once I saw her sign on and when she attempted to IM him, I said, "Oh, you must be trying to reach my husband." Her response was, "Umm he's married? Wow, umm I didn't know that." He played this off by saying that he doesn't have to tell everyone he is married on his first conversation, true enough and honestly I didn't want to end a relationship on such a small thing. I really should have waited for something stronger. The next thing I discovered was a receipt from a restaurant near his work. It had two meals, an appetizer and a pitcher of beer on it. I asked about the receipt, his first response was that it was just for him, however he could never eat this much food alone. I didn't buy it and I told him so, then the story changed to yes he bought lunch for someone but it was just a coworker. So if it was just a coworker why lie in the first place? By this time I was already having feelings of not really being loved anymore, partially due to my own insecurities but also fed by his standoffish behavior at times. Yes he was shy and kept a lot in, I knew this when I met him, however when we were dating he really seemed to open up to me at times and I felt that, that would continue. It did not. He would come home upset and aggrivated and some small things the kids might do would set him off on a rant, usually this would be followed by an apology and a simple explanation that work was overstressing him. I wanted to do something to help him but considering he wouldn't talk to me there wasn't much I could do. I just tried my best to believe that things would get better when things settled down, at times they seemed to, but I rarely felt like anything I did mattered much. The first 5 years of our marriage I had been the support system of our marriage but I no longer felt that what I did was appreciated or even wanted. I started to have spells where I would cry or get upset for almost no reason or something small. I went to the doctor and was diagnosed with PMDD, premenstrual dysphoric disorder, because it seemed to only happen sometimes and so I concluded it was probably related to my cycle. The medicine seemed to help at first but when it stopped helping and made me gain weight, I quit taking it. The crying didn't stop. The journal entries I made seemed to show that I was more in despair than ever, nothing anyone did seemed to help because looking back I think it was already too late. I withdrew into myself. Nobody really seemed to know why and my husband, the one that should have been worried, noticed but just assumed it was that I suddenly changed for no apparent reason. A year ago I wanted to leave. I wanted to escape because it seemed that I wasn't able to do anything or say anything right. I self destructed and tried to leave. My husband wrote me letters and poems of his love and devotion to me, he cried and argued and begged me to stay. Slowly he began to change my mind. For the first time since we had dated I truly felt he wanted me, not just that he was comfortable with me. I will probably post them eventually so that you will understand why I stayed. For a year things felt like they were slowly turning back into a marriage but I still felt the same sadness and stayed withdrawn into my own little world. I went through the motions, did things with the kids, was the room mother for my daughter and helped out at the school. I was there, yet everything felt weird to me, things I did just didn't seem enough, I tried to do stuff but I lost the will to. My online friends became a place of refuge for me because honestly I felt appreciated by them, of course they didn't have to live with me, but they were a constant source of comfort and support. I could escape to my online world and have fun and when I didn't feel like putting on my happy face anymore I could turn my computer off and they never had to know how sad I really was. During this time a few of them did get to know my sad side, oddly they were there for me and supportive and very kind. Constantly telling me how awesome I was for them, when the truth I was the one that should be thanking them for being so great. Now onto the present and what has caused me to start this blog. Towards the end of May my husband tells me he wants me to leave, just pack up and leave him and the kids. If I hadn't known he was serious I would have laughed at the thought. I pretty much told him when hell froze over I would walk out on my kids. I told him if he could get the children to agree to that then fine, I would leave, there was no way they were going for that. I have been their source of love and affection for 6 and 7 years. They have a tight bond with me, they love their father but they can't stand to let go of me, I share that feeling. Without them I might as well be dead. At first each day seemed harder, scarier, and more desolate. I made an appointment and went to see the doctor. My husband and I argued quite a bit that first week. The doctor gave me an evaluation and diagnosed me with depression. She said she fears I had been suffering from this depression for quite some time. Looking back, she is right. The signs were there but I just thought whatever was wrong was something wrong with me. There couldn't possibly be an explanation. The day after he moved out I started seeing charges in a town about 45 minutes from our home. A week later I find out that he was seeing someone else and had already told the kids. His own selfish needs were put above the mine and the children's.  About a week after that he forced them to meet her against their requests not to. I knew they had been seeing eachother longer than two weeks. Honestly finding this out made it easier for me to realize that I couldn't blame myself for our marriage falling apart. It may take two to make a marriage work but it only takes one to destroy it. This girl has insisted on making it impossible to accept her. I never will. If she were a real woman she would go home and allow my kids to have some time alone with their father but she insists on being with him every time. She even spends the night. Don't think I blame her alone, because he is the one that took vows to love me forever. I am not sure he knows how to keep a promise like that, one day she will know that.  I am however forced to be civil to him because he is the father of my children. I picked him and that obviously was a mistake. I do not regret my children though so it's a mistake I would gladly make again. I will go more into detail about what has happened since he left on my next entry. I plan to detail how I start over in this blog, how I make it from this point forth, or if I fail, I will detail that too because maybe someone can learn from my mistakes. Hope I didn't bore you to tears.