Yet to come....

Yes I know my last post is mostly facts and little about how I feel. I just wanted to get all of that out before I forgot sequences of events.I promise my next post will be about my feelings about this, and full of the usual over emotional side of me. I know, I know... you can't wait! Try to contain yourself please :)

Some days I ask myself why

So the next day was a Monday. I took him to the doctor. He wanted to get something for the pain that the withdrawals cause. The doctor suggested that he may have depression. He took the questionnaire and found many of those statements applied to him. She wouldn't really prescribe anything for the withdrawals as she felt he would just go to a psych doctor and get something else and have a double prescription without her knowledge. I asked that he get an STD test as her ex had informed me of a lot of things and that so far his statements had seemed true. He did not feel he needed one but he let them do it anyway. When they went to draw blood I broke down in tears. The doctor said he had so much scar tissue in one of his veins that it would not pull from there. I cried for how far he had fallen. I cried for the way things should have been for us versus how they ended up. I cried because I never thought I would hear a doctor say about my husband that he had ruined his veins with drugs. I also cried because he admitted to me that although he never did heroin in front of our kids he had been on it times while they were there. He had never even tried drugs before this. We came home and at this point he seemed resigned to the fact that for us it was over. I still felt he wanted to be a better person for the kids. I felt he wanted to be the father they needed again. He decided to work from home that day. Tuesday it was decided that while he was still detoxing I would drive him to and from work. He gave me all of his credit and ATM cards too. When we went to the doctor I had given one back to him to pay and forgot to ask for it back. Tuesday he voluntarily gave it to me when he got to work. I felt this was also a good sign that he was dedicated to this. I made him an appointment to get some work done on his car. He needed an oil change and to have his back speakers looked at. He somehow blew those out. I was trying to show him that I would be there for him, to help him. When I picked him up on Tuesday, I asked him had she tried to contact him. He confessed that he had spoken with her and that he initiated the contact. He said that he wasn't sure what he wanted. I told him I didn't feel he would be able to stay off of it like this and I was not putting the kids through this so that he could go back to it. I told him that if he planned to keep contact with anyone that was a part of his addiction that I would not be helping him and that I wanted him to leave. He asked me to reconsider, he seemed upset, but he also didn't seem to be willing to stop. He came home and took his medication. He had told me the day before his medication made him feel loopy. I took his keys because I didn't feel he should drive on it. I told him I'd take him home and when he was okay to drive he could get his car but that he was NOT driving like that. A few minutes later he left out of the door and took his car. I am not sure where he got the other key from but I figure he had the valet key somewhere in this house still that I hadn't found because I still had both keys to his car. I talked to him on the phone and begged him to stay off of this. He said he would and that he realized that his family was doing better without him and that made him feel horrible. I guess that is why he went back to her. The whore's ex told me that he felt that my ex was codependent and wouldn't leave one woman unless he had another. When my ex came back, the whore's ex told me that he thought I would take him back. I was very clear to everyone that I wouldn't. He then said that he would probably go back to her then. I guess he was right. My new guy was extremely understanding about the whole thing and also very supportive. He said I was doing the right thing and that I was sacrificing a lot to help him. I wish I had been so sure that what I was doing was the right thing.
My ex came to my home the next morning. At first I heard him knock but I was in the shower. I got out and that was when I got the call from my son saying that his leg was hurting him bad so I got dressed and decided I was not dealing with my ex yet because my son was more important. I knew that him getting his stuff would take a while and I wasn't letting him go through my house and get stuff on his own. I left the house with him sitting in his car in my driveway. He began to call my cell phone. I answered the fourth time. I told him I couldn't deal with getting his stuff right then because I was getting our son and taking him to the doctor. He told me to come home right then and give him his stuff. I told him he was not my top priority and he would get his stuff later. He continued to argue so I told him the conversation was over and hung up on him. I also talked to my new guy during this time. As soon as I told him I was taking my son to the doctor he asked why and to let him know how it went. This comforted me. My ex continued to call. He began to run my cell battery down so I left it in the car. I came out to check it during the time in the waiting room and saw that in 15 minutes I had 37 missed calls. This was in addition to however many times he called while I still had it and how ever many he called after it went dead. I called him back and told him to stop calling that I was at the doctor. He still argued about his stuff at which point I told him how crappy it was that he hadn't even asked why our son needed to go to the doctor. At this point he asked. I explained about his leg hurting and that he had told me the morning before it was hurting him and was limping on it. I had figured he just turned it but when he called from the school he said he actually wanted to go to the doctor which was odd for him. It turned out to be a possible muscle strain. The doctor said the spot he was saying it hurt is where the muscle attaches.

I finally spoke to my ex that afternoon and I told him I wanted the receipt for the kids school clothes when he came to get his stuff. Part of our arrangement about the attorney fees was that he would pay half. I told him I would accept him purchasing school clothes for the children in the amount of what he owed me as long as he provided me with receipts. He did purchase two outfits for each child. I am sure that this is not the full $350 that he owes me and in either event I never received a receipt. He came here again without it and asking for a ring in addition to the stuff I had. He brought her engagement ring with him when he came to my house. He showed it to me and told me he was going to see if the store would take it back. He said at first she told him she couldn't find it and that he feared she had taken it but that he later found it. When she left apparently she threw a lamp across the room which knocked the ring off the table. It was on the floor. Anyway he then claimed I had his ring. I remember him putting it in his pocket. He claimed that I took it saying I wouldn't let him pawn it. He was telling me before he came to my home that if I couldn't find this ring he would not leave my house until he found it. For this reason I put his stuff outside and locked the door. I was not letting him come in and destroy my home the way he was acting. He was yelling at me in anger. I told him the kids were here. He said he wanted his computer which I still had. I asked for that receipt or the money so I could go get them some more school clothes. He told me either way he wasn't leaving without the ring. He insisted the ring was in my dresser drawer. I brought the drawer to the door and emptied it on the floor in front of him. I sifted through everything but it was not there. I offered to put the computer out the front door. He was standing at the back. I didn't feel safe opening the door as he had already tried kicking it and punching his fist into the glass. He said even if I put the computer out he wasn't taking it until he could get his ring. I told him I also still had his camera. He knew it was at the house because it was in his stuff that he had brought but he had forgotten to ask for it when listing the stuff he wanted. The camera was in my car which I told him I'd get but that I wasn't opening my door unless I called the police out to escort me out to get it. He had already scared me and the children. I had sent them to their room when he first got there but they kept coming out because he was yelling and hitting the door. They were scared at one point to the extent that later I found my son's comforter on his top bunk. I asked him why it was there and he told me because they were hiding from daddy. My ex told me that I was going to run him back to drugs. I am not sure if he lost the ring here or left it here or what. However he claimed I took it from him and I did not. He kept saying how could I be sure it wasn't here. I said because the events you are describing didn't happen. I promised to look for the ring. He refused to leave without it so I called the police. I told him I was calling them and he took off. The police arrived and because they misunderstood the situation they told me that him kicking the door in wouldn't be illegal because the divorce wasn't final. They told me I could go to this place and get a TPO (Temporary Protection Order) against him which would fix my problem but that other than that they couldn't do much more than make him stop calling me. This scared me and that night he continued to call repeatedly. At one point I spoke to him and his whore was yelling in the background. They both insisted they were now clean and would never get back on the drugs. I said good I hope you are sincere because your kids need you to be clear headed. She then started yelling obscenities and name calling like a child saying she wanted her ring and calling me a thief. She also was lead by him to believe that I stole that camera. She said it was hers. He had told me it was his which is why we had not put it in with her stuff when we gave her stuff back to her. I think she truly believed that he gave the ring to me. I told her he was lying and told her about a lot of the stuff he told me while he was here. Saying that he was bored with her after 1 month. She did not believe this. Maybe he was lying to me, maybe he was lying to her, either way he lied and it was about her. She needs to know what a liar he is. He told me I was trying to take the only thing he had left in his life away. I guess because I told her the truth. I told him so. She threatened to take me to court. I told her to please do because I knew I wasn't lying. She threatened to kill me. I got this on tape. She called me jealous. I told her I didn't want him back and that I made that clear when he came here. She apparently thinks he came here and that I wanted him back but he left. Let's think about this. If I were the one that wanted him back I would have went to him right? I wouldn't have talked to my boyfriend and told him everything while my ex was here and I wouldn't have told my kids that we were NOT getting back together. Honestly if I had planned to take him back and he had come to me, why wouldn't I just tell everyone that we were reconciling? Her logic escapes me. I guess I can't blame her. I believed in him for 7 years. She is only 4 months into this. Okay so anyway back to what happened. I told them both to stop calling me. I told him to get his computer and camera and leave me alone. He said that he wouldn't take any of it if I didn't also give him this ring and that he would say I stole it all. She said they would come get her stuff. I told her she would not come to my house and that if she wanted to accompany him to get her stuff that I would take it to the police station for her to pick up. I also told them if they really thought I had their ring to take me to court but to stop harassing me. I told him I was trying to get our children ready for bed and that if he insisted on continuing to bother me to at least have the courtesy to let them go to bed first.
We hung up and the next day he came to my home early in the morning to get his camera and computer. My kids were not home so I allowed him to come in and search for his ring. He went to one location and looked then sat on my sofa and refused to leave. I had somewhere to go but for an hour he would not leave. I finally told my friend that I was going somewhere with to please come over. When he knew she was on her way, he left. This is the friend that found out about our impending divorce through his profile. I had my cell phone number changed that day. I went to see someone who handles these types of cases I called the police to turn my tape over to them. When the policeman got there he told me I had a case but that my time would be better spent pursuing keeping my ex away because that would solve both problems rather than just one. I told him about what the previous officers had told me and he said he would check into that but he was relatively sure that if he had taken up residence elsewhere that he could not enter my residence at will. He later confirmed this after speaking with the judge in our county on duty. He also let me know that he spoke with them and let them know that any future phone calls would result in them being charged with harassment. He called me to let me know that he had finally reached them and also for me not to contact them. He wanted me to pursue getting a TPO. I spoke with my mother in law the next day. I was torn about all of this because I do not doubt that he loves his children. I just think he is making bad decisions and I would rather come to some agreeable terms. I asked that she see if he would agree to 3 months supervised visitation and random drug tests during that time. Not a lot, just enough to be sure he was really clean then we could go back to normal visitation. He refused. I fear because he might already be back on it. I felt those were fairly reasonable requests. She told me also that he had asked her to lie in court if I had her called to testify about him admitting to his drug use. I went to the court and because I had not listed his drug use on the TPO because I felt the most pressing matter was his trying to kick my door down in front of my children. It was not. It was not issued. I am sure if I were to give them the whole story I could get it. One thing I did find out through all of this is that until they have some reasonable enforceable document giving him visitation that they could not force me to give them to him. They are at this point still scared of his behavior that day. He blames his behavior on me. He can only blame himself.
Now as I always like to make clarification, I do not blame his whore for his bad choices. I do think she is horrible in her own way. She has taken someone that until her had a good life. She lead him to an addiction that she already knew was a hard if not impossible one to kick and she has ruined his life in every way possible since. She has also until now been doing these drugs around her child as well. My kids have always seen her for what she is because they know what it's like to feel loved by their mother. I am sure there are some things I have left out. Not because I don't want to tell them but because this is so long I am sure I haven't put it all here and if I think of anything else important I will add it later. Ugh this post was so long and after the other two I'm not sure you will want to read it all. If you need a nap in between I fully understand. I will write more soon, when there is more to write.

yes... it got worse.

Sorry it has taken so long to get back to this. I feel if I typed from now until tomorrow at this time I still couldn't tell it all and do it justice. So I'll do what I can. So as I was saying, that Friday he told me he was sick so he couldn't break up with her then because he just wasn't up to it. Saturday I spoke with him and he told me that was THE day. I said okay, if you need me, you can call. I truly felt he wanted to make up to his kids all of the crap he has put them through and that is something I wanted him to do more than anything. I called him a few hours later but got his voicemail. He called me telling me that he hadn't done it yet and couldn't quite yet because her friend was on their way over and didn't really say a reason. Due to my recent reasons to doubt his sincerity I told him look, if you do feel this isn't working out with her, I will be here for you but if you just want to call me up and complain about her, yet do nothing to fix it, I will not do that. I can not even fathom how he thought I wanted to hear about her shortcomings as a girlfriend. The less I heard about her period, the better. I told him don't bother calling me about it unless he had done it. Saturday we came home from vacation and at midnight he called me. I asked was he still with her and he said that he could not call me if he were. I told him he could come over and talk. When he showed up, he looked sickly to me. He told me he didn't really eat all that well with her because all she ever really wanted to eat was pizza, spaghetti and lasagna and that if he saw another pizza he thought he would throw up. I got him something to eat and sat down to talk. He started telling me how things were so bad with her anymore. I kinda stopped him and told him I needed some truths. I asked had he been doing drugs. He admitted, yes he had. He confessed that it was heroin and that yes at first he started snorting it, which is what her ex had told me. He said eventually she got him to shoot it up and that she had been doing it for 4 years. I broke down in tears. He told me that he wanted to get clean that it wasn't what he wanted in his life. He said he knew that as long as he was with her he would not stay away from it. I agreed that the only way to quit would be to stay away from anyone that he had done them with. He asked me for help. He said he needed to detox. He had done them as recently as that day. I was kinda shocked. I must admit I know very little about heroin addiction. I offered to let him stay at the house for the night. I gave him a lot of hugs that night because I must admit I am a hugging person. If I see anyone cry it makes me want to hug them. It's just my nature. I turned my face away whenever I hugged him. I did not want him getting any false impressions. The main reason for him staying was so that I could keep an eye on him. I didn't want him to have a weak moment and go back to it. He informed me about a lot of things about detoxing. I must admit this is something I never thought I would hear from him. Everytime I thought about it, it made me want to cry. He also gave me two letters that he had written to me from the beginning of September. They said how he messed everything up and wanted to make it right and he wasn't sure that he could and that things would probably get really rough and he would need a support system to get through it, that he wasn't sure that he had. I may post those here. I haven't really decided. We both fell asleep that night on my bed. We did not touch or anything. We just slept. Mostly we only fell asleep in there because I was trying to talk to him until he fell asleep, then I fell asleep first. That first night was not so bad, mainly because the withdrawals hadn't started. Sunday we got up and took the kids to breakfast. They were so excited to have him. I told them he would not be staying for good, only until he got better. I had them believe he was sick. We went to rent some movies and came back to watch them. He kept turning his phone off so that when she would try to call he wouldn't hear it ring. Finally she emailed his pager and he told her that he would get her stuff to her. She kept begging him to please get back with her. I told him the only way she would give that up is if he told her that he didn't love her and that he still loved me. He told her and then told her that he would bring her stuff that day when she asked him to. We went to his place and packed all of her stuff to take to her. There is more to write, but I must sleep now. I will try to get this caught up. Well.... not that I haven't been trying.... who knows?

Am I alright?

Well I get an email today, on a day I already know I need to blog, asking me if I'm okay... There is a long and short answer. The short answer is yes I'll live. The long answer is things have gotten so much worse. Last week I was on vacation, hope this explains my long time, no blog situation. He called me Thursday from work. He asked to speak to the kids and after they spoke to him he asked for me. This was rather unusual for him to do. He usually talks to me as little as possible. As soon as I ask him, as I have been lately, are you okay? He broke into tears and said no then immediately said he needed to call me back. I took the kids and my mom to a store that we were heading to anyway and asked her if she would take them inside for a bit just so I could see what was up. I called him back and left him a message telling him if he called me in the next few minutes that I would be alone to talk to him. He called me back immediately. He cried as he told me that this had all been a huge mistake and that he was not happy anymore. He said at first he thought he was happy but then realized that he loved me still. He said that she was fun at first and that he thought he loved her but that he became bored with her after the first month and then it was more about saving face by not coming back then. He said he would do anything to make things right. I told him that I did not feel we belonged together and that I wasn't really sure I ever made him happy either but that if she wasn't making him happy that I would help him through the breakup and that he would find someone right for him. He told me he planned to break up with her within a few days and hoped I could eventually forgive him for all the horrible things he had done. He said he had learned a lot about himself and that he was not the person he thought he was. He said he was someone awful and mean and that he didn't deserve another chance but that he would spend his life trying to fix that. I was doubtful about any of this but figured I'd give him a chance to fix things. Friday he called me from work saying he still felt the same. I did have doubts. I thought perhaps they had just had a fight or maybe she had left him but he insisted that no, he was just starting to see her for the person she really is. I told him if he was serious that he needed to do it soon and not string her along until he found someone new to hook up with like he did me. It's far more painful to the other person leave them for someone else rather than leaving them because things aren't working out. I know first hand. ack, I will write more later, this story is much longer but my son just called from the school. I need to take him to the doctor.

More to tell, something new as well.

Okay so this was really just going to be a continuation of what I have already started on my last post. I just want to make something clear. I do believe that he IS on something. My last post was not about me saying I believe him when he says that guy is lying. As much as I want to, the thing is I have already had my suspicions, as anyone who is reading this blog regularly already knows. I am not sure I believe it is heroin. I believe his whore may be on that but he seems to be speeded up if anything and I have been told heroin isn't like that. I could be wrong, feel free to let me know if I am. I've never seen anyone on this drug. I must say it was quite a shock to even hear that she has allegedly been doing heroin. Also when I discussed this situation with my soon to be ex, I pointed out that he was all over my case when he thought I had told my friend about our split, even though she found out about it from his profile not me. I asked him if he would be giving his whore the same treatment because she obviously had shared many details about our family and problems with this guy for him to know so much about us and to also have my email addy. He voiced an agreement to that but didn't say much else. I think he may be starting to realize that she is not quite who he thought she was. Okay so last night something odd and concerning happened... he picked the kids up at 6pm with the verbal agreement that he would bring them home around 8 or 8:30. He called around 8:15 telling me that they had to take something to his whore's parents and that he would be late getting them home but it should still be before 9. It is something that has happened a few times, them getting home late. I just sighed but still, as long as it's before 9 they are usually still okay bedtime wise. They arrived at 9:45ish. I tried to be understanding, honestly I'm too weak to fight anymore. I asked what had come up, he asked did I know what her father did for a living? I said no, he told me he worked for some satellite weather vehicle thing and that he had been working all day without anything to eat and had asked them to bring him food and that they got caught in traffic. It sounded a bit fishy to me but I just told him next time he thought they might be late because of something coming up he could bring them home early. As soon as he left I asked my daughter what they took him to eat and if they had enough for dinner. Just trying to be casual but still checking on it. She said what do you mean? I asked didn't they take her father something to eat? She said no Mom, we went to that place where the big buildings are and near that place with the dancing fountains. This would be downtown Atlanta for those that don't know. She told me that they met with some guy that she had seen once before. She didn't know who he was but that he was a black gentleman and last time she had seen him he was wearing a blue and white striped shirt. The fact that he is black is of no concern to me except that if he is, he could not possibly be her father unless he is a step father. So why would he lie? Of course the first thing that goes through my mind is please tell me he didn't take them with him to buy drugs. I called him to ask if he was sure that he had told me the truth, he said yes, why? I told him what my daughter had said and he just denied it saying that they didn't even get out of the car. She had already told me they didn't get out of the car but that she did see him. Why would she make that up? She is not aware that I have concerns about him being on anything. Anyway we hung up and a few minutes later he called me back. He wanted to know if I had disclosed his email address to that guy. I told him that yes I had because he had mentioned having some information that might be useful to him and that I thought if it were anything solid that he should be able to look at it without it being filtered through his whore. He said okay, he was just wondering, that he really hadn't wanted him to have his email. I said well I didn't exactly get a choice about him having my email addy either and that because of what this guy has told me along with what my daughter had said he had to know what I was thinking and that if he didn't like this guy causing problems maybe he should ask his whore why she felt it necessary to spread our business to people that had no concern in it. He said that I was right. He also said he was sorry because he knew he had been acting poorly the past few months. I agreed and said well all you can do is live in the present and I wasn't accusing him of drugs but that if he were on them I would hope he would do his best to get off of them and to think long and hard about marrying this girl because it would be a huge mistake in my opinion and that he was bringing her and her influence into our children's lives. He said he knew, he sounded like he was genuinely giving this some thought. He actually began to cry as he apologized again for screwing so much up. I told him that it's okay nobody is perfect. I expressed to him that his children need him, I think he thought for a minute that I was saying for him to be here. He said I know that. I said not to be here. I'm not asking that, I mean for you to be there for them and if you have drugs in your life you can't be there for them. He said he wasn't stupid and isn't on them although he was crying the whole time and sounded genuinely confused. I hope that he can come to terms with a few things and realize that he maybe should be on his own for a while. Okay I've written enough for now. I will be updating but as fewer things happen I am writing less. I am not going to abandon this but I'm also not going to come post, woke up, got the kids ready for school, went to the school, helped the teacher, came home, thawed stuff out for dinner, made coffee, did laundry, washed dishes, read message boards, talked on the phone, went to get my children, came home started dinner, did homework, ate dinner, played some games, got them ready for bed, read a book to them, put them to bed, played some online games and went to bed. Oh wait.... I just did...... okay so I won't post it over and over again. That's all, you can stop reading now and go rest your eyes.