The Sounds of Whimpers...

Tonight my ex mother in law called. She has not called since that time several months ago that I asked her to never call my home again. She's worried, very worried, in fact. She has not talked to her son in a week. She was hoping to have comfort in knowing that at least my children or I had. We have not. I hadn't much thought about it but he hasn't called since last Wednesday night. I know he has a new baby, I figured he'd been busy but it isn't like him to forget to call them. They are crying now because they had to go to bed without knowing if he is okay or not. They left a message for him to call almost 2 hours ago. His home phone was cut off before this even happened. They can only call him through his cell. I emailed his pager. It's a little scary. On one hand do I assure them that he is indeed fine? This does little to comfort them because this, to them, means he does not care, that he has forgotten them for several days now because he is too busy with his other child. Children rarely understand the concept of being busy not meaning that you don't care. If he is not okay, this doesn't comfort them either, then they worry about losing, or having lost their father. I have called a few jails and a couple of hospitals. The truth is, the area he travels is too large for me to know for sure if lack of locating him, means he is okay. It's also scary that I had to call jails because of a serious concern that he might be there. There was a time when a hospital would have been my sole concern. My children cry, the only comfort I may offer is that I am here. I wish I knew that was enough.

Show me the money...

Such an annoying catch phrase but sometimes that's what life is. Today my ex's deposit went into my account. He sends his whole paycheck to my account because his previous bank account apparently went into the red. Well I did what he asked and transferred his money into his account at my bank. The problem is that they drew the money out for the late credit card from HIS account this time. It came out as a negative balance and then once I put the money in, of course, it wasn't what he expected to be there. I am sorry for this, but I only did as I was asked. I am glad they didn't pull it from me again. I can't afford anymore bills at this point. It's so fucked up. So last night I had paid the insurance for both of us. His share was of course deducted today, as agreed, before I transferred the money. He asked to have this back. I start school next week. I had to buy my books. I really cannot afford to do this for him and I told him I'd try to see what I could work out. He yelled at me before I even had a chance to look at things honestly. He has told me this same thing about paying me anything back the last few times. I can see how he figures this is an automatic no, because apparently that's how he meant it when he said it. So he goes off on me, telling me how little I care, he just had a baby, they're all going to starve. Honestly, he should still be okay. The amount he got should get him through, just barely but yes, still okay. He still had around $800 even with all that taken off! It's ridiculous actually but what did he expect? When you leave a family and take on another you make two households for you to support! In any event he made me feel like shit. I know he will deflect his anger at me at my kids tonight and upset their whole weekend :( I will send food with them definitely. I don't want them to be hungry and now that's all I can think about. I'm so dumb for letting what he said affect me at all. I should go to the store now. Oh his last words to me, "Enjoy Paris on the money that should be for the kids, while we're here starving" I said, "Okay." just so you guys know, Paris plane ticket was paid for by lottery winnings. I am not paying for my trip with money for supporting my kids. He's so bitter. I didn't hear him sympathize at all when they took this money from me last time. Tomorrow, Tom comes home. I need him so much :(

Pictures.

Last night I picked up some pictures that I had recently dropped off. I found about 10 rolls of film around my house and decided to get it all developed. There were pics from my anniversary in there. It actually kinda hurt to look at them. Not because I want that back because it made me realize how quickly things changed. We were happy, really happy. There were pics from New York. Those were not so happy. We looked happy but I remember the pain in that trip. It was like he didn't care. Anyway I put the pictures into a drawer and they will stay there until I am ready to deal with them.

He asked to borrow something today when he brought the kids home. I asked for it back because when I lent him a screwdriver he didn't bring it back. I doubt I'll get it back, it was a wrench but if I don't then he won't borrow anything else. Two things lent without return are enough to deny future borrowing in my opinion. He still hasn't paid back the money he owes. I will probably have to take him to court which will be an open and shut case. I could probably at this point sue for the whole payoff and have it taken out of his check each pay period. He did something that proves that he knows I am not a thief. He has been having his whole paycheck deposited in my account and I've just been giving him his money. If I wanted to, I could keep the money he owes me out of it but I'm not spiteful like that. I do need the money back though so hopefully I will get it back soon. The fight in me is mostly gone. I just can't deal with it. I know I've said it before but it's true and still is. Sometimes I just want to disappear and let him deal with it all. My love for my children is what keeps me from doing exactly that. I would make this longer but to write at all is a change for me. I just haven't had it in me to write lately. I'm not sure why. I think it's gone, the will that is. I wonder sometimes what I have to offer at all.