Stressed

Okay first the positive things. Last night mon amour booked his flight, he will be here from February 25th-March 6th! I am so excited about that. I am also nervous. I can't help but be. Today he had a friend surprise him from out of town, so we didn't get to talk much. We haven't had a whole lot of time together lately, school is the main reason. It's okay though, because it is for the greater good and it's more about what we do with the time we have.

Now I'm sorry but here comes my negativity. All of my teachers have decided that Tuesday (tomorrow) is a good day for a test. I have worked to study all weekend and I am certain I am going to choke when test time comes. I am freaked, I can't seem to keep the kids quiet and settled down long enough to get stuff done. Today I decided to take a break and do some organizing around my home. The item I wanted to tackle today may not have been the best. I sit here in tears because I decided that I should go through my pictures and divide them up. I usually get doubles so for every double print I have I set one aside for my ex. This is particularly hard because it reminds me that we had good times. Which makes reality hit hard. I know that I have found better. That is without question. I know that even if I had noone that things would still be okay but I see what used to be a good life and it's gone. Erased as though it never existed. I see our trip to Disneyland. I see trips to our kids sporting events. I see school trips and parties with friends. We did have fun. I thought I was ready to go through the pictures. I see that I was not. Either way, once I've started I might as well finish right? I wonder what is wrong with me that I can even let it affect me. Maybe stress from school is making it harder. I need to figure out a better way to handle it all. I feel the depression coming back but honestly I'm not certain there is a better answer at the current time. I should get to bed, lack of sleep won't help me come test time. Perhaps I'll win the lottery and be able to buy a nice big house with enough playroom that the kids can play without disturbing me while I study or could hire a housekeeper. Wish me luck eh?

What WAS I thinking?

Somedays I wake up happy that I am finally on the right track in life. It certainly took me long enough. Other days I wake up and think what the hell was I thinking? I can't do this! Homework can be quite the overload. Certainly my kids are suffering from my lack of availability. I need some peace and quiet sometimes and that doesn't come easy around here. My brain feels overloaded on those moments of quiet I do get. I stay tired these days. I haven't had time to even enjoy the games that I once escaped to. I've logged in less than 2 total hours this week. Where the hell is my time going? I talk to my friends a bit. I get study help from my frenchie. Thank goodness math is a universal language. I really doubt I could make it through my math homework at all if it were not for him. He doesn't even seem to mind. Even when I'm moody and frustrated over a concept I cannot seem to grasp, he always sticks by me until I get it.
My phone rings with such frequency sometimes while I'm trying to do my homework that I just want to scream. To me, a ringing phone is akin to someone coming to my door, entering without knocking, walking to my fridge, taking out whatever amount of food they want, walking to my living room (with their shoes on) kicking up their feet on the coffee table, turning on the TV and shouting, "Would you be a dear and get me a drink? I forgot one." It annoys me an equal amount. I really would like to get rid of my phone to be honest but my kids are in school, so I need to have ways for them to reach me in case of an emergency. It isn't so much the one ring of the phone that bothers me but if I don't answer sometimes you get those people that call back repeatedly leaving messages to the effect of they know you're there and not answering. Then you should also know you're annoying the hell out of me and should STOP. Leave one message. If it's urgent, say so! If not, wait until I have a moment and want to call you back. It seems so simple to me.
I'm nervous. I am meeting the guy from France at the end of this month. I think in true form of my blog I should give him a moniker. I'll call him mon amour here. I know that everyone that meets someone from afar and gets to know this person without actually seeing them, other than pictures and webcam, goes through this. I am not different or special in this. I am scared he won't think I'm quite as special offline as he seems to think I am online. I worry that he won't find me quite as pretty. I feel myself starting to withdraw a bit. Fear, apprehension, I can't really explain it. It's my defense mechanism. I hope I can last long enough for us to meet. I am certain that afterward I will be fine. I started to push him away once before and it hurt so much inside that the tears wouldn't stop. Thankfully we found our way back to our happy cloud after that. Give me ten minutes and I can completely destroy my world. I'm quite good at that.
I picture the moment I actually meet him and inside I'm sure it will be amazing and fantastic. I picture the long kisses we've talked about. I see him being just as romantic as I've known him to be. I see me being so elated while he is here and then I am trying not to picture how it will be when he has to return home. Whatever hurt it might bring, I am ready for, I need that time with him. I need to know that we have something special not just online but off. I am willing to deal with going back to online.
I know I could be going out meeting guys but then I would have to find time for this stuff. I don't think you really meet any higher calibre people offline. The people are all the same no matter where you meet them. There will be good, there will be bad. I guess in a way I'm trying to explain my reasoning because I'm almost positive there are those out there scoffing at this online thing. Let them scoff. Let them think whatever they will I suppose. I can only explain why and if that isn't good enough, so be it. It won't change my mind, or my heart. Anyway this entry is long enough for now. I'll write more soon (at least sometime this year!)

Mixed emotions

Well I started school last week. I am taking French, Literature and Math. I had forgotten so much math in the past 11 years that I am having to take a prep math class. Math has never been my strong suit. I feel pretty dumb taking it though and when the problems don't make sense I often find myself in tears. I know that sounds silly, I just get really frustrated with myself and why I don't get it. I'm not stupid. I even supposedly have a gifted IQ although I question that quite frequently. French is going to be tough, I am thinking I will need a tutor. There is nothing quite like walking into a class sitting down and have the teacher speak a language you only partially understand to you. Okay so maybe I should explain why I am taking French instead of Spanish. Well I have always been quite interested in France. The language, the culture, the people have always just captivated my interests. I took French in high school for this very reason. I know this will sound ridiculous but that's okay, we all sound ridiculous at some point. I have found someone that takes my breath away. He is romantic, sweet, thoughtful, sexy, gorgeous, sensitive, and FRENCH! Among the many things about him that i love is how easily he blends with my friends. They like him and he just fits right in with them. I don't feel that I am torn between them. Most of them like him as much if not more than they like me. He understands my moods, he cares about them which feels really great and he seems to feel as strongly about me as I do about him. I cannot tie logic to how I feel for him because logic does not exist where he is concerned. I only know that any day that I don't get quality time with him feels miserable and that he can take me from sad, scared or unsure to happy, loved and safe in 1 minute or less. He is coming to see me at the end of February and I absolutely cannot wait. If he can find a summer job here, he plans to spend the summer with me. The only problems we really seem to have are our own fears. Fears that we are living in a dream world that perhaps has no happy ending. I have concluded that if this is a dream, I am fine with that because I am happy, really, truly happy. I am happier than I have been since I was a teenager and found that "first" love. even if I only experience this kind of happiness for 6 months, those 6 months are worth whatever pain may come from this ending. I can't explain it. It just feels good to know that what I always wanted does exist and for now I have him. This brings me to why I am taking French. He speaks English. He speaks it better than many native English speakers I know but some of his friends/family aren't quite that well versed in it. I would like to be able to communicate with them as well. How will his family know if they like me or not if I cannot speak to them. I should get some sleep. I have French tomorrow. Perhaps I'll type my next post in French! Nah, that's a bit too ambitious but maybe a sentence or two. Anyways, goodnight.