I just don't know what to do but then, maybe I know and am scared to.

I am scared. Scared that I know what I should do, yet fear the repercussions. If I do what I should do, my kids may know that their father isn't their hero anymore. If I do what I should do, it would shake his world to the very core. If I do what I should do, it might force him into a severe breakdown, and yet this may be exactly what he needs in order to become what he once was. A decent father that his children could look up to.

I know this makes little sense but let me tell the story and then it will. My kids were supposed to come home yesterday. After not hearing from them for all day I went to the gym with my mother. We went around 7:30pm and he called around 8:30pm. My phone was not near me so when I got to it, I returned his call. This was at 9pm. He hadn't left a message. In fact knowing him it wasn't even he that called. He more than likely had my daughter call. I called again at 9:15pm, leaving a message. I tried once more at 9:45pm. Then I decided to wait. 11pm I receive a call from my daughter telling me they had went to the park. Her father had told her to ask me did I want them to come home or to stay another night. I told them they could decide. She decided she wanted to come home but my son wanted to stay. After a few tears from my daughter I offer to meet my ex near his house. He finally got on the phone and assured me that he would talk to her and if she still wanted to come home, he'd bring her. I was fine with that. I know if she was really insistent he would bring her.

This morning around 10am, he brings them home. He looked upset, said my son didn't sleep at all last night and that they'd both been really bad while they were there. He left and I talked to them, telling them that Daddy had been stressed lately and that they needed to give him a break. They said they were hungry, hadn't yet eaten breakfast so I took them out for brunch. While there, my son said something about would I let them loosen the tops on the salt shaker. I looked at him pretty shocked. I may be agnostic. Some think this makes me a horrible person. I like to think that I am usually fairly considerate of others and this really bothered me to think that not only did my son want to do this, he thought I would be fine with it! He tells me that daddy lets him do this, that he and his girlfriend do it all the time. They had recently even allowed them to do this at a Chuck-E-Cheese. I mean seriously, wtf!!?? Some poor whining kid goes to add parmesan cheese to their pizza and dumps the whole thing on it? I reminded my son how much of a baby he is about his food and how upset he would be if this happened to him. He looked ashamed. Good, he needs to feel shame for this. Thing is, he is a kid, at least he has an excuse. What kind of adult father sets this example for a child? Well one sec and you'll know.

So they move on to the topic of the park last night. I asked how the park was. They said it was dark so Daddy would not let them play. I asked what they were doing there, they said they had to meet some of Daddy's friends to get something and that it was in downtown Atlanta and that the friend was half an hour late. The kids weren't allowed to see what was being given to them. I cannot be sure what they were getting from this friend but I can guess. I don't think my guess is far off base. It's just shit. I can't press any kind of court issue, until I have proof. I really need a PI. I need some form of proof. I need something. My kids are in danger. I can't afford a PI but what can I do otherwise? I've got to stop talking and take action. Why am I such a whimp? GAH!