Pictures.

Last night I picked up some pictures that I had recently dropped off. I found about 10 rolls of film around my house and decided to get it all developed. There were pics from my anniversary in there. It actually kinda hurt to look at them. Not because I want that back because it made me realize how quickly things changed. We were happy, really happy. There were pics from New York. Those were not so happy. We looked happy but I remember the pain in that trip. It was like he didn't care. Anyway I put the pictures into a drawer and they will stay there until I am ready to deal with them.

He asked to borrow something today when he brought the kids home. I asked for it back because when I lent him a screwdriver he didn't bring it back. I doubt I'll get it back, it was a wrench but if I don't then he won't borrow anything else. Two things lent without return are enough to deny future borrowing in my opinion. He still hasn't paid back the money he owes. I will probably have to take him to court which will be an open and shut case. I could probably at this point sue for the whole payoff and have it taken out of his check each pay period. He did something that proves that he knows I am not a thief. He has been having his whole paycheck deposited in my account and I've just been giving him his money. If I wanted to, I could keep the money he owes me out of it but I'm not spiteful like that. I do need the money back though so hopefully I will get it back soon. The fight in me is mostly gone. I just can't deal with it. I know I've said it before but it's true and still is. Sometimes I just want to disappear and let him deal with it all. My love for my children is what keeps me from doing exactly that. I would make this longer but to write at all is a change for me. I just haven't had it in me to write lately. I'm not sure why. I think it's gone, the will that is. I wonder sometimes what I have to offer at all.