Why bother?

So Friday, a friend that I used to be really close to before my depression found out about this whole thing. I have not talked to her since he left and so she didn't even know we had split up. She is one of the ones I pushed away during my depression. She saw him in a local online chat room under a shared name with his whore. They were in there chatting together. She IMed him to be sure that it was him. He confirmed it then a little bit later she msg'ed me telling me that she was sorry she had not been here for me when I obviously needed her most. I assured her that there wasn't much she could have done and I linked her to this blog so that she may read it and know. I am sure she never knew that I was depressed. When she got home that evening she messaged the name asking that girl how she could sleep at night or something knowing what she was doing to this family. I have asked the jackass this many times. I'm sure his whore is used to sleeping with a guilty conscience. Of course he probably is too. My friend is religious and basically started telling them that they would one day answer to a higher power for this. I almost wish I believed that. I don't but wouldn't it be nice? Anyway she then IM'ed me to tell me she was having fun with "the bitch." At first I wasn't sure if she meant truly having fun and that she didn't think she was that bad after all, or if she meant it in a bad way. I'm not sure why I didn't know. I guess it's hard for me to just think people are on my side in any of this. Right after I received her msg I get one from the soon to be ex, telling me to stop telling people our personal business and that she didn't need to be upsetting his whore. I told him that she found out not because of me but because of him, I had not told her about it and that if he didn't want people knowing then he should stop making it so easy for them to find out. I guess he isn't as proud of what he is doing as he would like to think he is. Otherwise he wouldn't care who knew. Anyway I also told him that I had made it clear that he is never to contact me in the presence of his whore, I proceeded to warn him and block him. My friend then told me a bit of how their conversation went. He told her he never loved me. I say he is full of it. Of course he may be right, I am not sure he has ever known what love was. If someone were to ask me right now, I'd have to say that he is the lowest of all lows. Of course I would also say that this weekend was hard for me. I'm slipping back into my depression. I am fighting it, I've been listening to people. I've been going to the gym, walking everyday, eating right, I think sometimes even though people would disagree, it takes more than that. The medication seemed to help at first, for some reason now it's getting harder.

My mother told my grandmother about the split. She never even had known we were apart because she doesn't live close to us. My grandmothers sage advice... well you see she once was left by my mother's father. He left her for another woman as well. She said she wished she had fought for him and got him back and basically thinks I should do the same. There is not a chance in this world of me doing that. Thanks but no thanks for that piece of wisdom there. You can't make someone love you or want you. I loved him, yes, but I can't force him to love me back and I say loved (past tense) because now I couldn't trust him. If you can't trust, then you can't love. I've been told that it takes two to make a marriage work. That is very true, it takes both people to make it work. I've also been told that it takes two to make a marriage fail. I don't agree with that, honestly. It really only takes one person to blow a seemingly good marriage completely out of the water.

This weekend was the ex's weekend with the children. My daughter had something to attend on Saturday morning that I needed to take her to because I volunteered to paint faces. It was a cheerleading fund raiser. He was still going to get my son but my son asked to wait and come when my daughter was coming which was Saturday. The ex was a bit bent about this but my son had his reasons. He didn't want to go because he doesn't really get along with the whore's daughter anymore. They butt heads a lot. My son is stubborn and I believe she is too. I haven't met her but from what I've heard I'm pretty sure. It was bound to be a problem eventually. Anyway, I told him unless his daddy said it would be okay that he would have to go. I did however agree to letting him get them one day next weekend on my weekend to make up for the missed day. This seemed okay with him. Next weekend will be a busy one because there is a Birthday party for her to attend and my mother in law wants to take them to some thing on Saturday. We will see how that goes. I'm sure something will go wrong. I wish I could think more positively. I used to but it just doesn't come so easy anymore. My children are begging to meet the new person in my life, they have talked to him on the phone and such but not met him. I wasn't sure it would be a good idea but they have been asking for a week or so now so we are going to work it out for that to happen. I hope it goes well. I'm really nervous. I mean what if I'm doing the wrong thing. At least I am not shoving him down their throat like the ex did with the whore. Also I would like to clarify something. I call my children "my" kids, not because I don't think of them as "his" too, but saying our seems to indicate a union of some sort and I don't want to feel associated with him in any way.

It is time to go get my kids, I definitely need the walk today. It is possible I may write more later but more than likely I will write another day.