Ups and Downs

So today my daughter had her first game of the season. It doesn't really count toward the stats, more of a game so coaches can see what their team needs to work on. Our team won! It rained toward the end of the game and then it started lightning. When the lightning started, they called the game. My mom had went with us along with her friend. I say her friend but he is kind of a family friend now. Anyway we went out to eat and then to this place that is kind of like a big bowling alley, arcade, lazer tag, mini golf, go kart place. We went for the arcade only. We had an awesome time. I really and truly enjoyed it. The kids enjoyed it too. I haven't seen them that happy in a very long time! Afterwards they went to spend the night with my mother. They haven't done that in a month so I let them. Tomorrow the ex has them. Ok so you know how I said the next relationship I have I want to be romanced, well I also think I need something else. I need to feel that person needs me as much as I need them. I feel kind of useless right now. I need him, I don't feel he needs me. I have no doubt he wants me, but wants can and do change. I try to tell myself he does. I think once again I'm just making myself believe what I want to. Kind of like when I made myself believe the ex wasn't all that bad and that things were fine between us. All I really knew then was that I would deal with it. I'm so torn inside. I don't know why this isn't enough but it isn't enough to just be wanted. Again this falls under the, maybe I want too much, category. I guess I do, maybe I will never find what I want. Maybe I'm never supposed to. All I know is that I have not really slept much and I probably should. I just can't yet.