Maybe....
Sometimes I think I'm too hard to please. I want everything out of life. I'm also impatient, because I want it now. I think about all the time I've wasted so far thinking that I had it all and really I had so little. I had a marriage that was a complete sham. The man I thought I was married to was little more than me thinking he was someone he wasn't. At the highest point in our marriage I would have said there was nothing he couldn't do. At the lowest point I would have said I was doing something wrong and couldn't be happy because of my expectations. Now that things are over I realize, he was never what I thought he was and it was only my hope that I had everything I wanted that made me believe he was. If he were the man he is today when I met him, I wouldn't have looked twice at him. It doesn't matter what money he makes, it only matters the type of person he is. I see that he is the type of person that thinks hurting people is okay. This is not what I want my kids to learn so I'm just glad that I have more time to have an influence on them than he does and they seem to learn from me. Last time we talked he told me I was turning our son into a sissy. I would say a year ago, our son was starting to be a bit mean, not really caring what he did to people. Possibly even turning into a bully. In just a few months without his father around, he is no longer like that. If this makes him a sissy then oh freakin well.
Honestly I think one of the biggest problems facing youth today are their selfish mentalities. I believe they need self confidence but people have went beyond that to the point that children think as long as they feel good, even if it makes someone else feel bad, nothing else matters. I am not saying this is how all people are, but it is certainly becoming popular to teach children that their feelings are more important than someone else's. I've never felt that way. I am the type that I know if someone else isn't as good at a game and it upsets them to lose I will throw a game every now and then just so they feel the thrill of winning. This doesn't mean I will throw every game, because competition makes them get better, but always losing discourages them. I find myself doing this sometimes when I play games with my kids. Although quite often they beat me fair and square!
Anyway back to my son, he is starting to realize that to make friends he has to be nice to people, that he can't always expect to get his way, and that other people have feelings that can easily be hurt just as he now seems to show when his feelings are hurt. Does this make him a sissy? Not in my book. It makes him the kind of boy that will one day grow into a young man that any girl can be proud to take home to her parents. I know that I can not teach him everything a boy needs to know. I hope that his father picks up that slack. He isn't exactly out of the picture or anything but he is focusing on the wrong things to teach him. He has never really taken an interest in teaching him sports or anything. When he played football I couldn't even get him to take him to practice most of the time. I was coaching my daughters cheerleading squad that year yet asking him to be home in time to take him to practice was like asking the world. I often wondered if something were going on at that time. Who knows?
So now back to the point of this post. Now I see that again I want it all. I want the happy family (working on that although it feels broken with just the three of us), the house with the picket fence in the suburban neighborhood(already have that), the kids involved in activities afterschool (partially have that), and the job that will allow me to be there for my kids after they get out of school (I have no clue how this is going, still working on where to start). In addition to this I want to be loved and shown that love everyday. I don't want the romance to end once the courtship is over next time. I want flowers sent or brought home for no reason, I want letters written, just because. I want tiny expressions of love ever so often in ways I don't really expect. I want to blush. I want to also show that love in return. I wonder do I want too much? Maybe I do, but if I can't have that I think I'd rather be alone or have meaningless sex the rest of my life. I don't want to pretend I have something I don't. I don't want to feel empty inside. Bah, can you tell I'm emotional today? I'll write more later, I have some housework I want to do before I pick the kids up.
Honestly I think one of the biggest problems facing youth today are their selfish mentalities. I believe they need self confidence but people have went beyond that to the point that children think as long as they feel good, even if it makes someone else feel bad, nothing else matters. I am not saying this is how all people are, but it is certainly becoming popular to teach children that their feelings are more important than someone else's. I've never felt that way. I am the type that I know if someone else isn't as good at a game and it upsets them to lose I will throw a game every now and then just so they feel the thrill of winning. This doesn't mean I will throw every game, because competition makes them get better, but always losing discourages them. I find myself doing this sometimes when I play games with my kids. Although quite often they beat me fair and square!
Anyway back to my son, he is starting to realize that to make friends he has to be nice to people, that he can't always expect to get his way, and that other people have feelings that can easily be hurt just as he now seems to show when his feelings are hurt. Does this make him a sissy? Not in my book. It makes him the kind of boy that will one day grow into a young man that any girl can be proud to take home to her parents. I know that I can not teach him everything a boy needs to know. I hope that his father picks up that slack. He isn't exactly out of the picture or anything but he is focusing on the wrong things to teach him. He has never really taken an interest in teaching him sports or anything. When he played football I couldn't even get him to take him to practice most of the time. I was coaching my daughters cheerleading squad that year yet asking him to be home in time to take him to practice was like asking the world. I often wondered if something were going on at that time. Who knows?
So now back to the point of this post. Now I see that again I want it all. I want the happy family (working on that although it feels broken with just the three of us), the house with the picket fence in the suburban neighborhood(already have that), the kids involved in activities afterschool (partially have that), and the job that will allow me to be there for my kids after they get out of school (I have no clue how this is going, still working on where to start). In addition to this I want to be loved and shown that love everyday. I don't want the romance to end once the courtship is over next time. I want flowers sent or brought home for no reason, I want letters written, just because. I want tiny expressions of love ever so often in ways I don't really expect. I want to blush. I want to also show that love in return. I wonder do I want too much? Maybe I do, but if I can't have that I think I'd rather be alone or have meaningless sex the rest of my life. I don't want to pretend I have something I don't. I don't want to feel empty inside. Bah, can you tell I'm emotional today? I'll write more later, I have some housework I want to do before I pick the kids up.
posted by Ivy | 11:48 AM
1 Comments:
Your son will learn to be a man without your ex's example. I learned without help from my father. His influence on me was always negative, yet my life was still full of good role-models to make up for it. Teaching me to play ball or do "manly" things was never done in my experience either. Maybe I suffered a bit as a child and young adult because of it, but it isn't anything to worry about in the end. You don't have to be good at sports to be a man! Maybe your son will turn into a technology freak like me.
My father taught me how a man should NOT act. My mother's example taught me how a man SHOULD act. For example, she taught me to be a gentleman, and I never learned that from my father. He was the opposite of a gentleman. I guess I did learn how to be a man from him after all. Everything he stood for, I learned to be bad!
;-)
Finnian
Post a Comment
<< Home