The Holidays....

Ok I know this is long overdue so I shall lump the holidays all into one post Thanksgiving was the hardest. The kids were with their father and I just wanted to pretend that it was not a holiday at all. I had every intention of sending my mother to spend it with my grandmother but my grandmother passed away a few weeks before it. I was not very close with my grandmother. We had a falling out a few years back over something. I still remember fond times with her but I also remember some hurt and well that probably will always be there. I loved her but there were times I didn't like her so much. We at least were on speaking terms when she passed although we never got as close as we were initially in the end. Maybe we were too much alike, both strong willed. Anyway it left my mother without any real Thanksgiving plans and I couldn't just skip out on it with her being upset about the loss of her mom so I tried my best to put on my happy face and make Thanksgiving dinner. It was extremely hard for me. I broke down in tears many times. I think it would have been an easier holiday had I been able to forget about it and buried myself in something else. In previous years I have always cooked for the family. We would have my mother, stepfather, husband, kids, husband's mother, sister, grandfather and usually a friend or two that had no holiday dinner plans. This year was just my mother, a family friend and myself. My stepfather is getting on up there in years and just isn't feeling so good these days. For Christmas, this year was mine. Now you know that I am not religious but I celebrate Christmas, not for the religious holiday but the materialistic holiday that it is. I know that sounds bad but it is, for me, about sharing what you feel inside through gifts(not necessarily big presents just thoughtful ones) It's that time of year that people spend time together and well who cares if people associate that with religion? As long as they find some reason to be together with the ones they love. I had the kids Christmas Eve night and for Santa time. The ex had told me he bought them some stuff and that he would give some of it to me for Santa to bring. Then kind at the last minute he tells me he changed his mind. I don't know why I expected any different. They still had a good Christmas but had I known in enough time I would have got them a little more stuff for filler, even just cheap stuff. They both got computers because my mother and I stood in line at 4am the day after Thanksgiving to get a great deal on two of them. Other than that I really only had them 3 other things. Even though the computers were a big gift it didn't look like much. They were a bit disappointed but luckily he decided to make some of his stuff from Santa too so it wasn't as bad. My daughter's response was, I knew we couldn't have been that bad this year. It kinda broke my heart. It made me feel I hadn't done good enough for them. Maybe I'm not. I don't know. I often think I'm failing miserably. Certain things they do, acting out, trouble with friends, whatever. I do the best I can and sometimes it just isn't enough. So I guess the best way to describe how I felt at Christmas is inadequate. I'll write more, I just want to get this posted before next Christmas gets here, boy could that get confusing!