Things I have trouble doing

I have trouble telling people sometimes when something hurts me. I have trouble asking people for what I want. I also have trouble opening up about certain things to certain people. This has not always been the case. I'm not exactly sure why I do now. It's just something that happens. I can usually talk about something if people notice the problem and ask. Bringing it up is my problem. Perhaps it has something to do with not being able to talk to my soon to be ex. If I tried to he really wasn't interested, so I assume now that people aren't really interested in hearing what is wrong with me. Before we were married, we could talk. I'm not sure why that changed. It was just something that did. Well actually, I could talk, he would respond to what I said. He would only tell me stuff if I asked. His mom says he was always like this. When he left he said that he talks more now because of us and our problems. Maybe if he had learned not to shut me out for so long while we were together that would have helped us. I think by the time he learned not to shut people out so much, I had already learned how to shut people out from him. It's actually quite the defense mechanism. If you shut people out they can't use what they know to hurt you. He became the master at using what he knows to hurt me. I don't think he will ever know how much it hurt me for him to say that because I was depressed I was crazy and therefore a bad mother. I am not crazy. A good friend of mine sent me a letter saying some stuff I really needed to hear shortly after my split. Basically she told me that if he really thought I was such a bad mother and was crazy and such that he would never have left the kids with me. It was true. I told her how much what she said to me meant. I don't think she will ever know just how important she was to me and my making it through those first few weeks. She had been through it before and she knew the things I needed to hear. Basically saying that he could say all the bad things he wanted but I was the one here taking care of the children and doing the day to day things for them, not him. If she ever reads this, she will know that it is her I am talking about. I won't name her because I don't name names here but I will call her my friend that gave me my sense of self back. She made me feel worthwhile at the time. I'm still feeling a bit sad today. I kind of know why and it's a pretty dumb reason. I feel mostly unworthy of love right now. I can't really explain why and not sure I would if I could. It's pretty selfish of me to even care at this point. My focus should be on the kids and nothing else. Yesterday my son had a bad day. He was misbehaving. It is hard because I'm never sure I'm doing the right things with him. He has more good days than bad now so I guess that should mean something. I just am rarely very sure of myself these days. Okay so hopefully I have some good days coming up. It's near that emotional time of the month so maybe that explains my sadness right now. I just hope it gets better.