Sometimes I feel....
Sometimes I feel like I am just waiting for the other shoe to drop. I seem to be making it through this okay, so I'm just sure that everything falling apart can only be right around the corner. I mean just a couple of months ago this seemed like the end of the world. Some people mourn the loss of their significant other for a long time. I think I had already started mourning before he left. I knew there were problems. Lots of times, now that I look back. I wanted it to be over. The most recent such event was our trip to New York. First, I had always said I would love to go to New York. I never thought it would be a great place to take our children so I never actually asked to go. It's kinda like how you say man, I would love to go to France someday or whatever but you figure, when the right vacation time comes around, and the money is there, you will do it. Other than that you plan your trips according to what your current capabilities are. I thought maybe someday when the kids were with their grandparents, we might go for a weekend trip. Imagine my surprise when my soon to be ex came home and said hey why don't we take our vacation to New York? I was excited, and he said he had checked and there were lots of things for kids to do there. Let me just say now, most of the time in our years I planned our trips begining to end. Everything we would do there, and getting the best deal on a great hotel room. Let me tell you right now. Hotwire is my friend :). You can really, really get great hotels for fairly cheap. Just pay attention to how many stars a hotel has before you book. Anyway this is turning into a commercial and trust me I'm not getting paid for it. Back to the trip, at this point I was still fairly deep in depression and had lost interest in all travel planning. I said yeah, sounds great, think we could see a broadway show? That about sums up my input into planning. He booked the hotel, told me all about the museum, said we were going to The Empire State Building, Central Park, he had really planned what sounded like quite a trip. I was actually pretty excited to be going by the time we left.
We get to New York and the first problem was, he booked our hotel but it only had a double bed. This meant he planned for the kids to sleep on the floor, the entire vacation. I even offered to switch off with them but he told me I was being silly and they were fine. The floor wasn't comfortable so I insisted we at least get them sleeping bags. He agreed that would be okay. I don't think he was trying to be mean exactly, just that he was always kinda thoughtless like that. The next problem was he intended that we walk everywhere. For him and myself, this was fine, for two children ages 6 and 7 in February, freezing cold, walking all over New York doesn't exactly make for a great vacation. They were tired, and no matter how much I begged him to take a cab, he said no and got mad, yes I could have just did it anyway, but since I didn't have cash on me I didn't. I should have just went to an ATM but the thing is, when you need one you can never find one. I also was never really one to completely defy him. I would argue, yes, but I rarely just did what I wanted despite what he felt.
We got tickets for a broadway show. It was 42nd Street. Our daughter was starting to get a cough, we bought the tickets the same day as the show, that evening she was starting to feel a little warm. I asked if she felt up to going, she said yes. I asked him before we left, could we take a taxi home, since when we would leave the theater, it would be late. He said, yeah. We walked to the show, no major deal since it wasn't too far. Also, we were stopping to have dinner on the way so it made the walk seem like less. It was extremely cold though so still, not a pleasant walk. We watched the show and during it, as most parents know, in the evening for some reason kids seem to get sicker. My daughter started coughing more. At one point I offered to leave early. I would have hated to because it was really a good show. I just felt really bad because her cough was getting frequent and I thought we should go get her some medicine and get her to bed. She said she wanted to stay and he agreed with her that we should. I didn't argue with them, because as I said before, I really wanted to stay. When it was over, she was feeling pretty warm and coughing. We went outside and decided to walk the half block to the drugstore to get some medicine, and i heard no mention of a taxi from him. I asked him if he just wanted to take one from the drugstore, he just kind of shrugged me off. When we came out, he started walking toward our hotel, I asked him what he was doing. He said it seemed silly to take a taxi such a short distance. I know, it was only half a mile, but to children, in bitter cold at night, especially when they are sick, after walking their butts miles the days previous, that is akin to asking them to climb Mt. Everest. I argued, even to the point that I began to cry, because I will tell you now, I am easily overwhelmed with emotion, even more so during my depression. It just felt like he didn't care. I know he did care but he sure had an odd way of showing it. The kids were quite upset because he had also told them we could take a taxi home and they really wanted to. Funny how something so simple, cheap and easy can become the basis of a huge fight.
I felt at this point of course that he was pretty selfish. I felt like he cared about $5 more than he cared about the children, because let's face it, cab fare in NY isn't really all that much. Of course I also felt that he just didn't understand. Maybe that was it, maybe he just never realized.
So the point of this entry is that yes, we had problems, I knew that we did. I just also felt that if you have love, then problems may exist but they will eventually not seem so important. I mean how many times have you had a day that seemed so incredibly horrible that you didn't think it could EVER get better, then a year down the road that moment doesn't seem significant at all. That's kinda what I thought. I just was sure that we would always be together and that our problems would either work themselves out, or we would get help to work them out. I even had asked him if we could go get help once. He insisted we were fine without it. I guess when he decided he needed help, it wasn't the kinda help a professional gives. Just the kind some whore can give. I should really go now, I wrote this mostly the other day, then I wasn't sure it really ended. I usually like to at least end with a bit of humor, however today I need to write another entry, so I shall post. Oh I know, here I can insert something about me being long winded, and that even when a post is over, I still keep rambling. Not good enough? Bah! The end! (for this post)
We get to New York and the first problem was, he booked our hotel but it only had a double bed. This meant he planned for the kids to sleep on the floor, the entire vacation. I even offered to switch off with them but he told me I was being silly and they were fine. The floor wasn't comfortable so I insisted we at least get them sleeping bags. He agreed that would be okay. I don't think he was trying to be mean exactly, just that he was always kinda thoughtless like that. The next problem was he intended that we walk everywhere. For him and myself, this was fine, for two children ages 6 and 7 in February, freezing cold, walking all over New York doesn't exactly make for a great vacation. They were tired, and no matter how much I begged him to take a cab, he said no and got mad, yes I could have just did it anyway, but since I didn't have cash on me I didn't. I should have just went to an ATM but the thing is, when you need one you can never find one. I also was never really one to completely defy him. I would argue, yes, but I rarely just did what I wanted despite what he felt.
We got tickets for a broadway show. It was 42nd Street. Our daughter was starting to get a cough, we bought the tickets the same day as the show, that evening she was starting to feel a little warm. I asked if she felt up to going, she said yes. I asked him before we left, could we take a taxi home, since when we would leave the theater, it would be late. He said, yeah. We walked to the show, no major deal since it wasn't too far. Also, we were stopping to have dinner on the way so it made the walk seem like less. It was extremely cold though so still, not a pleasant walk. We watched the show and during it, as most parents know, in the evening for some reason kids seem to get sicker. My daughter started coughing more. At one point I offered to leave early. I would have hated to because it was really a good show. I just felt really bad because her cough was getting frequent and I thought we should go get her some medicine and get her to bed. She said she wanted to stay and he agreed with her that we should. I didn't argue with them, because as I said before, I really wanted to stay. When it was over, she was feeling pretty warm and coughing. We went outside and decided to walk the half block to the drugstore to get some medicine, and i heard no mention of a taxi from him. I asked him if he just wanted to take one from the drugstore, he just kind of shrugged me off. When we came out, he started walking toward our hotel, I asked him what he was doing. He said it seemed silly to take a taxi such a short distance. I know, it was only half a mile, but to children, in bitter cold at night, especially when they are sick, after walking their butts miles the days previous, that is akin to asking them to climb Mt. Everest. I argued, even to the point that I began to cry, because I will tell you now, I am easily overwhelmed with emotion, even more so during my depression. It just felt like he didn't care. I know he did care but he sure had an odd way of showing it. The kids were quite upset because he had also told them we could take a taxi home and they really wanted to. Funny how something so simple, cheap and easy can become the basis of a huge fight.
I felt at this point of course that he was pretty selfish. I felt like he cared about $5 more than he cared about the children, because let's face it, cab fare in NY isn't really all that much. Of course I also felt that he just didn't understand. Maybe that was it, maybe he just never realized.
So the point of this entry is that yes, we had problems, I knew that we did. I just also felt that if you have love, then problems may exist but they will eventually not seem so important. I mean how many times have you had a day that seemed so incredibly horrible that you didn't think it could EVER get better, then a year down the road that moment doesn't seem significant at all. That's kinda what I thought. I just was sure that we would always be together and that our problems would either work themselves out, or we would get help to work them out. I even had asked him if we could go get help once. He insisted we were fine without it. I guess when he decided he needed help, it wasn't the kinda help a professional gives. Just the kind some whore can give. I should really go now, I wrote this mostly the other day, then I wasn't sure it really ended. I usually like to at least end with a bit of humor, however today I need to write another entry, so I shall post. Oh I know, here I can insert something about me being long winded, and that even when a post is over, I still keep rambling. Not good enough? Bah! The end! (for this post)
posted by Ivy | 1:40 PM
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