My fears....
Well, you know quite a bit about the way I think, and a little about my past, I'm sure I will go more into depth about our marriage and eventually detail some of the good. It wasn't always bad, I mean if it was, would we have made it 7 years. Of course it could be said we didn't really "make it" 7 years because in any event the last two were just merely getting by. I would like to share with you a journal entry I made within a few days of when he told me we should split up, granted at this time I thought by saying split up he meant divorce. He later said separation, because possibly the time apart would do us good. When he moved out I suggested he get a place less permanent to live than signing a 1 year lease. I suggested 6 months. I later found out of course why he chose a 1 year lease. He already knew he meant divorce. He just wasn't ready to be a real man and tell me this. This entry is highly personal and will probably reduce me to tears again, so if I stop writing I will hopefully return to finish with the same train of thought.
5-17-04
I wait, slowly feeling the air being sucked from my body, I look around thinking surely some outer force is taking control. There is non. It is the pain I feel that encapsulates me, body and soul. I would eat but it all tastes like dirt, chewing and feeling tiny grains between my teeth. Sucking it down dryly, I would be left unfulfilled. I would cry, but the tears are now dry, feeling my body heave as they want to escape. There is none. Left to suck air that does not nourish my body. Merely surviving. All that is left are my kids. They do not know but "innocent son" senses it. He hugs me more. Oh how I've ached for that affection. I feel so much safer from his hugs. If "innocent daughter" knew, she'd be crushed. It would tear her apart to know what a failure I've been. To completely empty my soul is almost cleansing. There is nothing, so from here I start. The world that once seemed full seems nearly empty and I wonder if the air I've struggled to breathe would matter so much if it ceased to exist.
I'm not sure I've ever felt as low as I did that night. Yes, for a long time I'd felt sad, but until that night I'd never felt like such a complete failure. We stopped sleeping together. He took to sleeping on the sofa. I did not stop caring. He said he was uncomfortable so I told him he was welcome to sleep in the bed, that it wasn't like we hated each other and there was no fear we would do anything. He seemed to not want me to care. He went back and forth, one minute blaming me, the next saying it wasn't me and pointing out things he did wrong. I was torn inside because I almost felt that him blaming me was more what he really meant and that when he said it wasn't me it was only because he was too much of a coward to say what he really felt. I could only blame myself at the time. I couldn't see past the next day. Sometimes I just wasn't sure I would make it to the next day. At this point I had not told a soul. I was scared to. I kept thinking if I didn't tell anyone, he could change his mind and there would be no harm. I'd eventually get over it, right? I don't think I ate at all those first two weeks. I lost around 20 lbs. I would try to eat but everything I would eat wouldn't stay down. The kids kept asking me to eat. I couldn't even sit at the table with the three of them so I would say I wasn't hungry. I was scared that if I had to look them all in the face that I would be reduced to tears. I did not want to cry in front of my children. I can remember when I was young, the scariest thing in the world was to see my mother cry. She rarely did so whenever it happened I knew it was something bad. The next entry I will share came after we told the kids.
5-24-04
Everyday seems worse. Today we told the kids. "Innocent daughter" took it well, "innocent son" did not. He cried, which made me cry. I hate "Jackass" right now for being a liar. He promised to always love me and our kids. His own selfishness comes before everyone. He cares only about living the single life. Fucking other women. How can he watch "innocent son" cry and not KNOW this is wrong. I told him to shove his rings up his ass. I meant it. They were a symbol of love that NEVER existed. I can't think rationally about something that makes me so emotional. I want him to go. Just leave already, stop rubbing it in my face and fucking me GONE. He made his decision. I have no say, so just leave. I hope everyday to wake from this nightmare, on the days I want to wake up at all.
So you see now, what I felt, right after it happened and as it was going on. The problem is that even though I know it wasn't my failure I still feel the pain that exists from it. This will probably affect every relationship I ever have again. I told you there was a guy, a new guy that I am talking to. So now we get to my fears. My fears are probably going to destroy any chance we really have. I have to ask for constant reassurance. Any small detail changing and I suddenly wonder if he is tiring of me or if there is someone that he would rather talk to. This of course is just my insecurity but when someone has left you for someone else, it is how you feel. I have nightmares and wake up scared at night. The scariest thing is being alone at night. I have never lived on my own. I wonder if I would be able to protect my children if someone broke into the house. On nights like this I wish I hadn't read so many true crime stories. The funny thing is, he wasn't exactly someone that I would have felt could protect us, but just the fact that he was a man. I know it sounds weird but it just made me feel safer when he was here. The kids want to sleep in my bed at night. I'm trying not to let them because I know they are really getting too old for that. Some nights it's nice to just have them so close, so when they sneak in I pretend to already be asleep. This way I don't seem to be letting them sometimes and not, other times. It makes them think that they are only getting away with it because I'm already sleeping. Silly, isn't it? Most of the time I carry them back to their beds.
School will be starting soon, so we have to start a routine. I plan to be my son's room mother this year. I was my daughter's last year and I promised him I would do it for him this year. I know, I'm going back to school, probably getting a part time job at least, and room mother too? How will I find the time. Truth is, I don't know, but he has had enough disappointment for one year. I can't let him down. I asked him if he minded if I didn't and his response was, "Mom, you promised!" He is right, I did, so I will do it even if it kills me. I should really wrap this entry up. I just didn't want anyone to think I was getting lazy with the entries. Just been busy, laundry doesn't wash itself, and no matter how much I try to teach them, dishes don't wash themselves either. I sure hope children are easier to teach than dishes! :)
5-17-04
I wait, slowly feeling the air being sucked from my body, I look around thinking surely some outer force is taking control. There is non. It is the pain I feel that encapsulates me, body and soul. I would eat but it all tastes like dirt, chewing and feeling tiny grains between my teeth. Sucking it down dryly, I would be left unfulfilled. I would cry, but the tears are now dry, feeling my body heave as they want to escape. There is none. Left to suck air that does not nourish my body. Merely surviving. All that is left are my kids. They do not know but "innocent son" senses it. He hugs me more. Oh how I've ached for that affection. I feel so much safer from his hugs. If "innocent daughter" knew, she'd be crushed. It would tear her apart to know what a failure I've been. To completely empty my soul is almost cleansing. There is nothing, so from here I start. The world that once seemed full seems nearly empty and I wonder if the air I've struggled to breathe would matter so much if it ceased to exist.
I'm not sure I've ever felt as low as I did that night. Yes, for a long time I'd felt sad, but until that night I'd never felt like such a complete failure. We stopped sleeping together. He took to sleeping on the sofa. I did not stop caring. He said he was uncomfortable so I told him he was welcome to sleep in the bed, that it wasn't like we hated each other and there was no fear we would do anything. He seemed to not want me to care. He went back and forth, one minute blaming me, the next saying it wasn't me and pointing out things he did wrong. I was torn inside because I almost felt that him blaming me was more what he really meant and that when he said it wasn't me it was only because he was too much of a coward to say what he really felt. I could only blame myself at the time. I couldn't see past the next day. Sometimes I just wasn't sure I would make it to the next day. At this point I had not told a soul. I was scared to. I kept thinking if I didn't tell anyone, he could change his mind and there would be no harm. I'd eventually get over it, right? I don't think I ate at all those first two weeks. I lost around 20 lbs. I would try to eat but everything I would eat wouldn't stay down. The kids kept asking me to eat. I couldn't even sit at the table with the three of them so I would say I wasn't hungry. I was scared that if I had to look them all in the face that I would be reduced to tears. I did not want to cry in front of my children. I can remember when I was young, the scariest thing in the world was to see my mother cry. She rarely did so whenever it happened I knew it was something bad. The next entry I will share came after we told the kids.
5-24-04
Everyday seems worse. Today we told the kids. "Innocent daughter" took it well, "innocent son" did not. He cried, which made me cry. I hate "Jackass" right now for being a liar. He promised to always love me and our kids. His own selfishness comes before everyone. He cares only about living the single life. Fucking other women. How can he watch "innocent son" cry and not KNOW this is wrong. I told him to shove his rings up his ass. I meant it. They were a symbol of love that NEVER existed. I can't think rationally about something that makes me so emotional. I want him to go. Just leave already, stop rubbing it in my face and fucking me GONE. He made his decision. I have no say, so just leave. I hope everyday to wake from this nightmare, on the days I want to wake up at all.
So you see now, what I felt, right after it happened and as it was going on. The problem is that even though I know it wasn't my failure I still feel the pain that exists from it. This will probably affect every relationship I ever have again. I told you there was a guy, a new guy that I am talking to. So now we get to my fears. My fears are probably going to destroy any chance we really have. I have to ask for constant reassurance. Any small detail changing and I suddenly wonder if he is tiring of me or if there is someone that he would rather talk to. This of course is just my insecurity but when someone has left you for someone else, it is how you feel. I have nightmares and wake up scared at night. The scariest thing is being alone at night. I have never lived on my own. I wonder if I would be able to protect my children if someone broke into the house. On nights like this I wish I hadn't read so many true crime stories. The funny thing is, he wasn't exactly someone that I would have felt could protect us, but just the fact that he was a man. I know it sounds weird but it just made me feel safer when he was here. The kids want to sleep in my bed at night. I'm trying not to let them because I know they are really getting too old for that. Some nights it's nice to just have them so close, so when they sneak in I pretend to already be asleep. This way I don't seem to be letting them sometimes and not, other times. It makes them think that they are only getting away with it because I'm already sleeping. Silly, isn't it? Most of the time I carry them back to their beds.
School will be starting soon, so we have to start a routine. I plan to be my son's room mother this year. I was my daughter's last year and I promised him I would do it for him this year. I know, I'm going back to school, probably getting a part time job at least, and room mother too? How will I find the time. Truth is, I don't know, but he has had enough disappointment for one year. I can't let him down. I asked him if he minded if I didn't and his response was, "Mom, you promised!" He is right, I did, so I will do it even if it kills me. I should really wrap this entry up. I just didn't want anyone to think I was getting lazy with the entries. Just been busy, laundry doesn't wash itself, and no matter how much I try to teach them, dishes don't wash themselves either. I sure hope children are easier to teach than dishes! :)
posted by Ivy | 1:35 PM
1 Comments:
Wow. Nice layout. Good choice.
OMFG. I can't believe you told him to shove his ring up his ass. LMAO! I don't know if I could ever tell my ex to do that. :) I'm pretty sure I still am in love with her, even though she did f*ck someone else. What the hell is wrong with me?
I believe I am in the same boat as you. The feelings, emotions, everything, will affect future relationships. I know I am not ready to date, as I probably won't even give the next woman a fair chance.
Yes, I have become a bit more domesticated too, as I now have to do the household chores all by myself as well as take care of my "kids" (read dogs and a cat). I have been trying like a motherf*cker to do what Mickey Mouse did in "The Sorcerer's Apprentice", but to no avail. I assume it is a good thing, because everything got outta control in the end! hahahahaha.
Best wishes.
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