Just talked to my hmmm soon to be ex

Well so I'm really not sure what to call him today but since it ended on an okay note I will go with soon to be ex. It started out fairly rocky. He accused me of jealousy and filling the kids heads with stuff. Of course while we were on the phone in classic innocent daughter form, she came in the room wanting to express a bit of how she felt to her father. She holds back because she fears his feelings will be hurt and also fears he will get upset and yell. He does kind of yell when he is upset, I guess most guys do huh? Anyway the point being that he heard some of it come out of her mouth and since he had accused me of putting it there I asked her directly, "Do I tell you this stuff?" she responded that no, it was how she felt.

   After hearing this he calmed his attitude toward me down quite a bit. I think he finally realized that the kids aren't doing as well with this as he thought that they were. I told him definitively I do NOT want him back. I once loved him and would have been with him until his dying day. I once would have given him my heart just so that he may live longer even if it would have meant my death. That day has passed. Now I'm not even sure I'd give him a piece of my liver. I say that, but I probably would do that much. He would never get a piece of me that I actually need to survive though. I will save that devotion for someone worthy.

   I expressed to him that tomorrow I am going to speak with an attorney. I have been told that I can get 4 years of alimony. I was also told that the amount I could get would be almost twice as much in alimony as what he offered me. He only offered it for 2 years though. That isn't enough. I am asking for 3 years. It will take that long to get my degree. I do plan to work during that time, but with the added expense of school I will need the extra coming in. He said this is unfair as nobody paid for his college.  I've heard this before right? Anyway I am totally annoyed by that argument. Who cares what someone did or didn't do for you? I offered to help him go back to college. I told him I'd take on more responsibility at home if he wanted me to. He kept talking about it but never did it.

   There are breakdowns in the marriage that I will admit to. I was NOT the best housekeeper. Partially because I hate housework, partially because when I'd make the effort to do things he never expressed any appreciation. I need to hear that what I am doing is good enough. Otherwise I feel that it isn't or never will be. I am a perfectionist, people mistakenly think that means that I do things perfect, that would be wrong. What it means is that my mentality is if I can't do something right (or perfect) I shouldn't do it at all. A psychiatrist once tried to teach me that I should change that to if something is worth doing, it is worth doing wrong. I thought about it, and decided I would never be able to get myself into that mentality. So I quit going, I mean if I can't do it right, why bother eh? Okay so maybe I didn't exactly learn anything while I was there. He tried, I was also bothered by his blame everything on my family belief. He felt that if I had certain feelings or reactions, that it was because of my mother, or father (or lack thereof), or grandparents. I really only saw the guy three times so maybe I should have given it more of a chance.

   The soon to be ex pointed out that I quit taking the medication that time I was on meds for PMDD. So I pointed out that he also agreed that I should stop taking it. I truly think he forgot that it wasn't really helping all that much and was giving me headaches. He seems to forget a lot of stuff. He forgot that the other day he basically laughed at me when I asked him to replace some money in my account that some company auto drafted. Just to explain, he tried to get high speed internet service. The company couldn't get him connected so he had to send the equipment back. He did, and they acknowledge he did, but they made a mistake and drafted my account as if it were an early cancellation. They plan to reimburse it, but the thing is, I am the one out that money until they decide to put it back. I asked him if he would put it there until the company replaces it and then he can take it back. He has full access to my account. I thought it was a reasonable request, but he obviously disagreed. Now he says he offered to give it to me, which he didn't, I mean honestly if he did, why would i refuse it? It makes no sense whatsoever. I really am starting to wonder if he is taking drugs. His recent behavior is completely different than his previous. Maybe he is depressed, maybe he is having a breakdown, who knows. He left me and pushed me away. What can I do except move on from there. It's what I'm doing.

   There is someone new in my life. I've not yet met him in person yet. He has been there for me in so many ways. From the day my husband walked out, I basically turned on my computer and wanted to lose myself inside it, there were a few people who wanted to be there for me, who tried, they couldn't find the right things to say. He somehow did. That first day I wanted nothing more than to die. I wanted my life to end. I didn't want to bring that death upon myself, but I just felt it would make things easier for all concerned if I just died. I hoped for it. If I believed in a god I am sure I would have prayed for it. I do not believe in one, so I just tried to will it to happen. I hit some pretty incredible lows. He said simply, it is his loss. Seems simple and I'm sure a lot of people say it, but somehow it is what I needed to hear. Since then we talked, and have found a lot of common ground. On my birthday, he was the only one aside from my parents to give me something. He sent me flowers and a teddy bear. Very simple and to the point. Also when I was very upset one night, after my soon to be ex threatened to try to get custody I was crying pretty much uncontrollably. He talked to me and asked me what he could do to cheer me up. I told him simply, you can draw a big mean monster eating my ex. I was kinda joking, kinda not, but he did it. It was so sweet, in a twisted kind of way and it helped me to get past my crying for the time being. I now have it set as my desktop picture to remind me that even when things are at their worst, there is still room to smile. It helps surprisingly. I can not tell what my future holds but I hope he is a part of it. At least until he gets tired of putting up with my insecurities. He actually cares about my feelings, and he can read me like a book. If he asks me how I am and I say fine, he always seems to know when I'm not being entirely honest. He is also in computers but I won't hold that against him. The kids know him to be a friend of mine but nothing more. I don't want to spill more confusion into their lives. It's hard enough for them to understand as is. My soon to be ex doesn't seem to care about the message he is sending them by having his whore spend the night with them present.

   Back to the attorney, I got good news. Turns out I can request that they not smoke around my children in the papers. If he won't agree to it, the court would order it anyway as it is a health hazard. Anyway my soon to be ex admitted that he couldn't contest the terms of the divorce in court as he is running out of money. He was angry that I can, however when I pointed out that he is keeping a larger share of our money and has fewer bills so he SHOULD be able to afford it, unless he is using too much spending money, he had no response. He is acting like a spoiled child when he doesn't get his way. I told him I won't put up with it. I said clearly, I will have the attorney draft the divorce as I see it, then you can send back whatever your counter offer is, if I don't agree, we can go to court, if I do, then it can be uncontested. This angered him, as he now realizes he can't back me into a corner on this. Oh well, that is life. I must go get ready to take the kids out for dinner with my mother. They invited her to go out. They love their nana, what can I say?