Attorney's aren't scary at all

So today I went to see my attorney. She took down all the information and is going to draw up the papers. She said the agreement we had worked out seemed pretty fair. She did say that I could probably get alimony for 5 years. I had heard 4 previously but she said it would be the full term needed to complete school and that it would probably be 5 considering I couldn't go year round. Anyway I told her I am okay with 3. I am not trying to make this any harder than it already is. The child support agreement is pretty generous and I am happy about that. I plan to try to set some of it back for our innocent children whenever I can afford to do so. For now it is going to require me budgeting items. She seemed quite pleased with our reasonable lack of debt. We do have one credit card but aside from that only the cars and the house otherwise. She is going to put down the basic visitation terms but said whatever we workout beyond that is our doing. We have worked out a plan for every other weekend, Tuesday and Thursday evenings, one week during the summer and every other holiday. She said she could have our papers ready for us by next week and that I could either take them to him to sign and have notarized or we could both come there to sign them and she would notarize them. I called my soon to be ex and he said he would be available to come sign them on Tuesday afternoon. We set up the time and said goodbye. He is on his way out of town today with his whore and her innocent child. I wished them a safe trip. I almost kinda meant it... almost. I do mean it only for the fact that the innocent child would be affected by a not safe trip. Her mother is a whore but I pity her more for this.

   I finally decided to tell my cousin about the breakup. I say breakup, not because I take it lightly but because she didn't even know we had split much less were getting a divorce. I've mostly hid this from my family. My mother and stepfather know. My mother has known since it happened two months ago. It was hard to tell her. I'm not sure why. I guess it meant admitting my failure to her. It was also hard not to tell her because I have always been very close to her. During my depression we have not been as close. I shut out almost everyone that I was close to. I think I felt I didn't deserve their attention or love or maybe I just felt unable to put on my happy face for them. I'm really not sure which. I know that only I could know what I was feeling but honestly, I really don't know why I felt the things I felt. I just knew I couldn't confide in anyone for fear they would know how imperfect my world was. Anyway my family is pretty chatty, we are southern after all, and I knew if I told anyone that it would spread.  I just couldn't keep it from my cousin anymore. Her birthday is coming up and we always see eachother on her birthday or near it. It was easy to explain away my birthday because I went to Los Angeles during that time. If I were to see her on her birthday and she didn't already know then I would be forced to tell her on her birthday, how awful would that be? Happy Birthday wonderful cousin that I love, oh by the way, my husband left me for some whore and I'm getting a divorce, shall I cut the cake for you? Yeah I think I'll pass on that. Or if I don't see her at all then she thinks that I have some personal problem with her. So yeah I told her. The sad thing is, she said she kinda had a feeling this was happening. He has been changing a lot over the past year, lost a lot of weight, started dressing better, cut his hair, started getting highlights, just generally caring about his appearance more. She said she almost said something last time she saw me about it, but thought better of it. I told her I kind of had a feeling too. They say those are signs but what could I do, hey sweetie, you know how you actually care about your appearance now? Are you cheating on me? I mentioned once that he was exhibiting the signs of infidelity, but I did it kinda jokingly and laughing just to gauge his reaction. It didn't make me think anything was particularly up. Now I feel kind of dumb. I can look back and say I should have known though and in all honesty I kind of did think it, but you can't accuse someone based on your feeling. No matter how strong that feeling is.

   I did notice a comment on my blog. It was something about rethinking their current relationship. Just so I am fairly clear on this I do not think all men are bad, or that all relationships are bad. I think some are, and we should be more aware of things when they are bad. So if you think that you recognize things here that make your relationship bad then by all means do what makes you feel comfortable. Just didn't want to seem like I am bashing all men here. I know there are good ones. Most of my dearest friends are guys. I have a few friends that are girls. I was just never as close to them for some reason. I feel free to tell guys things that I don't feel free to tell girls. I know this sounds weird but I feel like when I share certain things with girls that it turns into some competition. Either their life is better, or worse, or harder, or easier, or whatever. Why the need for a pissing contest? I also sometimes get the problem of feeling that they are going to go back and tell someone. Let's face it women, we are a bit more talkative and open with things. You tell a man something and most of the time, he isn't going to tell a soul. Why? Because men don't like to talk. They like to do things! Not that women friends are bad, when you need someone to talk to that will talk back, they totally rock. Oddly I think that is why I have so many gay guy friends, you truly get the best of both worlds. They love to talk back and they do still talk to others about things but you don't get the competition factor as much. Also just to be clear the female friends I do have, or did are mostly awesome and not the gossipy type at all. This is why they are my friends. Or at least they were. As I said before I mostly pushed everyone out of my life quite some time ago. If any are still part of my life it's because they haven't given up on me even though I did push. Sometimes friends are just kind of special like that.

   So now that I have stereotyped everyone and I'm sure pissed quite a few people off... hate me yet? I'm sure at some point reading this, you will say to yourself, "No wonder your husband left you! You are opinionated and annoying!" I know I am, but he knew I was too when he married me, he said he loved the fact that I was so opinionated and outspoken. Oddly I kind of lost that through the years because he only liked it when it was directed at someone else. If I had an opinion on anything he was doing or had done, he didn't care to hear it. 

   I know it sounds like we didn't have much in common and you probably are thinking, well of course you didn't work out, you were too different. We did have quite a few differences, but we also had some stuff in common. We were both born in the same city, which is in another state from where we both lived when we met. We had both been raised without our real fathers in the picture. This actually made me more comfortable that he wouldn't leave. He knew how it felt to not have your father there. I guess I was wrong.

   We also had differences, that became similarities, possibly because of my open mind to change. He was an athiest, I was on the fence at the time. I wanted to believe in a god, I thought I believed in one, but he had so many good arguments about why one didn't exist that I really couldn't deny it anymore. It is my own fault for being so impressionable. I really should have been more firm in what I believed. I still feel he was right though. If there really is a god, and the bible is his word, and not just crap men have bent and twisted to their own needs through the years then he is definitely not a god I want to worship. Have I offended you all yet? I figure by the time this is over, everyone will hate me. I don't mean to be controversial but I also won't hide what I feel to make people like me. I am open for discussion or debate on the subject if you ever would like. You can always contact me through my yahoo which is listed in my profile.