When I grow up....

Okay so you know how when you are a child, you say, "When I grow up I want to be..." well, my answer, when I had one, was always to be a school teacher. Somewhere along the line I decided that being a mother was a pretty close second to that. I let go of what I wanted. When my soon to be ex left, I was faced with filling in that blank again. Two answers came to mind. I could go to school to become a school teacher, or a real estate agent. I like the process of finding the perfect house and working out a great deal. I was the one that handled the negotiating when we got both of our houses. Don't get me wrong, we did use an agent, however I am the one that dealt very hands on with everything in the process with her. I would probably make more money being a real estate agent. I even have a friend in the business that has offered to help me get started. She is quite successful at it and really knows what she is doing. The fact is, as much as I would enjoy real estate, it isn't my dream. I feel compelled at this point to follow my dream. I am going to see about enrolling in school. It will take at least 3 years, but I can do substitute work while I'm going to school.

   I have told my soon to be ex about my desire to enroll in school, he seems quite bitter about this. I'm not sure if it is because he would rather see me fail or because he is jealous that I would be able to go to college. He had to drop out of college due to the fact that in his line of work, experience is more beneficial than schooling. He is a software engineer, a rather successful one at that. He is mostly self taught as he didn't really take many classes along the lines of computer science in college. He is just really booksmart like that. He does, however, lack common sense.

   Everyone else seems to be very encouraging of my dream. My mother said she will help me as much as she can. The counselor of my children's school said she has always thought that I would make a good teacher. She said I seem very open minded and accepting. She also said I seem organized. I guess looks can be deceiving. You guys can tell that I am not all that organized by the lack of organization in my journal. I am trying to become more organized though! I want some order in my life.

There are other things changing in my life. I find I have less time for my computer. The time I do have, I spend chatting with my friends. I would love to share a little about them but true to form I do not plan to name any names. These are people that whether they know it or not, saved my life. I will start with one of my longest friends, we shall just call him my brother. I have actually come to call him brother over the years. We have known eachother for about 2 years now! I met him in an old game I played it was during the time that things first became rough for my husband and I. I was looking for a place to be the person I am, as the person I was had been pushed inside me for some time. The person I am, is silly, sarcastic, loving, caring, outspoken, and yes, as the counselor pointed out open minded! I'm not sure exactly when I lost these traits, but sometimes they would pop out anyway. In my game, I felt free to be all of these things and it was appreciated by the people I knew there. The game itself was a bit on the repetitive side, so silly people made it fun. My brother and I ran a house within the game for people to visit and we were very successful with it. It was among the most popular houses within our server. Of course this is no substitute for real life success, but it was definitely an outlet to escape to. My brother and I soon realized how much alike we were. We share the same ideals on many things. We have always been able to look to the other for support. Yes, we do argue, don't all siblings, but we also always make up. He has learned that I'm always right... (ducks) just kidding. He is right a lot of the time. We take our turns at it. One thing we also share... our appreciation for men. Yes he is gay, it doesn't identify him, it is just one facet of his personality and it made it easier to become close with him. I didn't fear other feelings creeping in. He has been such a source of support for me, I don't think he knows just how much he has meant to me these past two years. When I would go to him he always had such great advice and tells me what he thinks, even if it isn't what I want to hear. I thank him for this, because he has always been there for me and I wouldn't have made it through a lot of things without his sound words of wisdom. 

   There are many others I will mention in time, but to keep this post from becoming another behemoth entry, I will hold off on those. I have written a poem to the whore. Let me know what you think...

Ode To the Other Woman by Woman Scorned

 
I really want to hate you
Deep inside I do
But really to be honest
I should be thanking you.
 
Sure you have my husband
You two think you’re cute
But you are so damn ugly
You make me want to puke.
 
I thought that I would be bothered
By the pictures of you two
But the man you have is not
The man that I once knew.
 
You don’t have my husband
You have some other man
Some man that I would never want
To ever hold my hand.
 
So please be sure you keep him
You two deserve each other
This doesn’t mean that I won’t laugh
When he leaves you for another.