Into the past....
So today I had a very decent conversation with..... my soon to be ex. Okay so I know I said I'd refer to him as the jackass from there forth but the thing is, I will refer to him as one when his attitude calls for it and otherwise I will call him the soon to be ex, sound okay? Of course we didn't really discuss anything to do with the divorce, mostly just what time he is picking the kids up today and the fact that he isn't getting them on Thursday because he is taking his whore and her innocent child out of town. Nice huh? It's okay because I plan to take our innocent children to the beach in September with my mom. So I need to go back a bit because someone very special to me asked that I share a bit about what was making me sad, he said the history of the situation needed a bit of elaboration. To be honest I'm not exactly sure what made me so sad. A combination of things. Never really feeling like anything I did was good enough was a key factor. I will share some excerpts from my journal previous to this whole thing. I once got a part time job, because mostly if I did things at home, they weren't enough or good enough. If I did laundry, it wasn't as soft as my mom washed them (she used to help with our laundry when the kids were both very little) If I paid the bills but missed one because it was stuffed in a bag by his mother then I should have done better, yes I should have but it wasn't an intentional mistake. I wanted to feel appreciated somewhere, yes the kids appreciated me but that is different.
11-28-01
I have been working more lately and it seems (the soon to be ex) is angry about it. He has a major attitude about it lately. I get more appreciation at work that I do at home. It really bothers me because he is supposed to love me yet strangers appreciate me more. When I try to share my feelings about this he acts as if I am just throwing these accusations out of nowhere. I am also waking up to the fact that no matter how much I hurt over things, he really does not care. Am I really willing to settle for this being my life? I always wanted more. The kids of course end up hearing more than I would like them to because they are up so late. I don’t know though. It really bothers me. I just wish he felt the way he used to. He used to not enjoy my tears so much. Now it seems he thrives on them. He also made sure to tell me how insignificant my job is compared to his. Well I guess it is. I have been home with our children for years now so that he could get somewhere in his job. He had to job hop for a while to get to where he is. It took struggling for both of us but my life isn't worth as much I guess. Well I have written & cried enough for now. I will try to write again tomorrow.
I was never really much of a journal writer. I should have been. It always helped to get things out. Perhaps that will change if I make my journal online. I enjoy typing more than I do writing. My next entry came a few days later....
12-01-01
(I said a lot of stuff about my job that was mostly inconsequential stuff about it changing over to another company and my job title changing but nothing important yet at the end I wrote this)...... I really don't feel as though (the soon to be ex) and I ever resolved anything the other day. It just all got dropped so I hope things don't start back up. Well I must go for now.
This was how it usually was for us though. We would start out discussing a problem, sometimes it turned to arguing sometimes it didn't but we never really resolved things. I was never much of one to bottle things up, but throughout my marriage I learned the best way to keep peace was to learn to keep them inside. It worked best that way. It was the way he had always dealt with things, and was the only way he understood. I’ve always been the type to adapt to things around me so it was natural for me to change to suit him. Just because I change doesn’t mean I am happy to do it. It means that I’d rather change than fight. I found myself giving over to his whims a lot throughout our marriage. Small things such as picking out furniture or decorations or anything. Just to give a specific example. We went to pick out new dining room furniture. My only request was no light colored fabric and basically anything he picked would be fine. I will put links to the pictures in here of what we ended up with. It was a light off white fabric that shows every little drop of food or drink that hits it. Very pretty stuff if you don’t actually plan to use it… especially with kids. The chairs didn’t even make it a week before our kids launched their full out attack. My (not so innocent) son laid a grape Popsicle down on the table. The plastic was already cut open for him. It was the flav-o-ice variety. As it melted, it leaked a huge purple puddle underneath and on the chair. I thought I would cry right there. As the months passed the chairs only got worse, which is why I reupholstered them the other day. I actually took them apart and reupholstered them myself. I have a before and after pic of the chairs. They look so much better! I probably would have done this before now but I figured if I did it, I’d have to find a fabric we both agreed upon and then he would say that they didn’t look that great or that they were just okay. This is just a small sample. I just always felt like whatever I said didn’t matter anyway so why bother.
There were other things that I had to just give over to his whims. He would always pick up some little hobby or another. Around Christmas his hobby was carving so I looked everywhere for a hand carving kit as he was sure this was his calling! He didn’t want machine carving tools, which are easier to find and easier on your hands. He did that for all of 3 weeks then it was over for him. He also got into woodworking in general, so for Christmas I bought him a table saw and router with a table. He used them to make a TV table for my daughter’s room and a plant shelf with lighting in our room. Both very nice, but afterwards he was through with it. Then he went through a phase of wanting to play guitar. Before that phase was over he owned 3 guitars and knew how to play maybe one song. He gave that up. Other various phases were fishing, fly fishing, electronic wiring, gardening. The main reason I call these phases is he would start out having to own everything and know everything about it, then they lose interest, making the items obsolete. I used to make jokes about how long until he lost interest in me. I guess it was 7 years. I am not going to say my sadness should be blamed on him, but he contributed. My doctor says depression is hormonal. I believe that. I think he could have been more attentive and noticed it, but then I’m not sure I’d recognize signs of depression in someone else. It just feels he could have been more understanding or at least given the fact that this was so drastic of a change for me, looked into it being caused by something. Maybe he blamed himself. Who knows, but let’s just say if he was worried that he was the one making me sad he sure had a messed up way of trying to make it better. Yeah leave me for another woman, that ought to cheer me right up. Thanks for your love, but next time you can keep it. Okay so this kind of explains some of my sadness I hope.
11-28-01
I have been working more lately and it seems (the soon to be ex) is angry about it. He has a major attitude about it lately. I get more appreciation at work that I do at home. It really bothers me because he is supposed to love me yet strangers appreciate me more. When I try to share my feelings about this he acts as if I am just throwing these accusations out of nowhere. I am also waking up to the fact that no matter how much I hurt over things, he really does not care. Am I really willing to settle for this being my life? I always wanted more. The kids of course end up hearing more than I would like them to because they are up so late. I don’t know though. It really bothers me. I just wish he felt the way he used to. He used to not enjoy my tears so much. Now it seems he thrives on them. He also made sure to tell me how insignificant my job is compared to his. Well I guess it is. I have been home with our children for years now so that he could get somewhere in his job. He had to job hop for a while to get to where he is. It took struggling for both of us but my life isn't worth as much I guess. Well I have written & cried enough for now. I will try to write again tomorrow.
I was never really much of a journal writer. I should have been. It always helped to get things out. Perhaps that will change if I make my journal online. I enjoy typing more than I do writing. My next entry came a few days later....
12-01-01
(I said a lot of stuff about my job that was mostly inconsequential stuff about it changing over to another company and my job title changing but nothing important yet at the end I wrote this)...... I really don't feel as though (the soon to be ex) and I ever resolved anything the other day. It just all got dropped so I hope things don't start back up. Well I must go for now.
This was how it usually was for us though. We would start out discussing a problem, sometimes it turned to arguing sometimes it didn't but we never really resolved things. I was never much of one to bottle things up, but throughout my marriage I learned the best way to keep peace was to learn to keep them inside. It worked best that way. It was the way he had always dealt with things, and was the only way he understood. I’ve always been the type to adapt to things around me so it was natural for me to change to suit him. Just because I change doesn’t mean I am happy to do it. It means that I’d rather change than fight. I found myself giving over to his whims a lot throughout our marriage. Small things such as picking out furniture or decorations or anything. Just to give a specific example. We went to pick out new dining room furniture. My only request was no light colored fabric and basically anything he picked would be fine. I will put links to the pictures in here of what we ended up with. It was a light off white fabric that shows every little drop of food or drink that hits it. Very pretty stuff if you don’t actually plan to use it… especially with kids. The chairs didn’t even make it a week before our kids launched their full out attack. My (not so innocent) son laid a grape Popsicle down on the table. The plastic was already cut open for him. It was the flav-o-ice variety. As it melted, it leaked a huge purple puddle underneath and on the chair. I thought I would cry right there. As the months passed the chairs only got worse, which is why I reupholstered them the other day. I actually took them apart and reupholstered them myself. I have a before and after pic of the chairs. They look so much better! I probably would have done this before now but I figured if I did it, I’d have to find a fabric we both agreed upon and then he would say that they didn’t look that great or that they were just okay. This is just a small sample. I just always felt like whatever I said didn’t matter anyway so why bother.
There were other things that I had to just give over to his whims. He would always pick up some little hobby or another. Around Christmas his hobby was carving so I looked everywhere for a hand carving kit as he was sure this was his calling! He didn’t want machine carving tools, which are easier to find and easier on your hands. He did that for all of 3 weeks then it was over for him. He also got into woodworking in general, so for Christmas I bought him a table saw and router with a table. He used them to make a TV table for my daughter’s room and a plant shelf with lighting in our room. Both very nice, but afterwards he was through with it. Then he went through a phase of wanting to play guitar. Before that phase was over he owned 3 guitars and knew how to play maybe one song. He gave that up. Other various phases were fishing, fly fishing, electronic wiring, gardening. The main reason I call these phases is he would start out having to own everything and know everything about it, then they lose interest, making the items obsolete. I used to make jokes about how long until he lost interest in me. I guess it was 7 years. I am not going to say my sadness should be blamed on him, but he contributed. My doctor says depression is hormonal. I believe that. I think he could have been more attentive and noticed it, but then I’m not sure I’d recognize signs of depression in someone else. It just feels he could have been more understanding or at least given the fact that this was so drastic of a change for me, looked into it being caused by something. Maybe he blamed himself. Who knows, but let’s just say if he was worried that he was the one making me sad he sure had a messed up way of trying to make it better. Yeah leave me for another woman, that ought to cheer me right up. Thanks for your love, but next time you can keep it. Okay so this kind of explains some of my sadness I hope.
posted by Ivy | 6:07 PM
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