The journal

I have decided that I would like to keep a record of my life and goals from this day forth. As an introduction to myself I will start by saying this, I have been a stay at home mom for the past 7 years. Partially by choice and partially because there was no reason for me to get a job outside the home. Life was seemingly fine the first 5 years. Things were a bit disatisfying at times and I had reason to believe my husband had been unfaithful a few times but well I will let you judge for yourself by posting those reasons. Two months before we got married (although I was pregnant and we were living together) I found an email from him to another girl responding to her aol personals ad. When I confronted him, he seemed genuinely sorry and said he unsent it. I wanted to believe him because honestly if I didn't it would mean I would then be alone with two children. I hoped for the best and put it behind me although it did affect my trust. The next real sign of possible infidelity came a few years later, I found an email from a girl that was saying how awesome he was and she really wanted to meet him after their chat and blah blah blah. I logged in as him once I saw her sign on and when she attempted to IM him, I said, "Oh, you must be trying to reach my husband." Her response was, "Umm he's married? Wow, umm I didn't know that." He played this off by saying that he doesn't have to tell everyone he is married on his first conversation, true enough and honestly I didn't want to end a relationship on such a small thing. I really should have waited for something stronger. The next thing I discovered was a receipt from a restaurant near his work. It had two meals, an appetizer and a pitcher of beer on it. I asked about the receipt, his first response was that it was just for him, however he could never eat this much food alone. I didn't buy it and I told him so, then the story changed to yes he bought lunch for someone but it was just a coworker. So if it was just a coworker why lie in the first place? By this time I was already having feelings of not really being loved anymore, partially due to my own insecurities but also fed by his standoffish behavior at times. Yes he was shy and kept a lot in, I knew this when I met him, however when we were dating he really seemed to open up to me at times and I felt that, that would continue. It did not. He would come home upset and aggrivated and some small things the kids might do would set him off on a rant, usually this would be followed by an apology and a simple explanation that work was overstressing him. I wanted to do something to help him but considering he wouldn't talk to me there wasn't much I could do. I just tried my best to believe that things would get better when things settled down, at times they seemed to, but I rarely felt like anything I did mattered much. The first 5 years of our marriage I had been the support system of our marriage but I no longer felt that what I did was appreciated or even wanted. I started to have spells where I would cry or get upset for almost no reason or something small. I went to the doctor and was diagnosed with PMDD, premenstrual dysphoric disorder, because it seemed to only happen sometimes and so I concluded it was probably related to my cycle. The medicine seemed to help at first but when it stopped helping and made me gain weight, I quit taking it. The crying didn't stop. The journal entries I made seemed to show that I was more in despair than ever, nothing anyone did seemed to help because looking back I think it was already too late. I withdrew into myself. Nobody really seemed to know why and my husband, the one that should have been worried, noticed but just assumed it was that I suddenly changed for no apparent reason. A year ago I wanted to leave. I wanted to escape because it seemed that I wasn't able to do anything or say anything right. I self destructed and tried to leave. My husband wrote me letters and poems of his love and devotion to me, he cried and argued and begged me to stay. Slowly he began to change my mind. For the first time since we had dated I truly felt he wanted me, not just that he was comfortable with me. I will probably post them eventually so that you will understand why I stayed. For a year things felt like they were slowly turning back into a marriage but I still felt the same sadness and stayed withdrawn into my own little world. I went through the motions, did things with the kids, was the room mother for my daughter and helped out at the school. I was there, yet everything felt weird to me, things I did just didn't seem enough, I tried to do stuff but I lost the will to. My online friends became a place of refuge for me because honestly I felt appreciated by them, of course they didn't have to live with me, but they were a constant source of comfort and support. I could escape to my online world and have fun and when I didn't feel like putting on my happy face anymore I could turn my computer off and they never had to know how sad I really was. During this time a few of them did get to know my sad side, oddly they were there for me and supportive and very kind. Constantly telling me how awesome I was for them, when the truth I was the one that should be thanking them for being so great. Now onto the present and what has caused me to start this blog. Towards the end of May my husband tells me he wants me to leave, just pack up and leave him and the kids. If I hadn't known he was serious I would have laughed at the thought. I pretty much told him when hell froze over I would walk out on my kids. I told him if he could get the children to agree to that then fine, I would leave, there was no way they were going for that. I have been their source of love and affection for 6 and 7 years. They have a tight bond with me, they love their father but they can't stand to let go of me, I share that feeling. Without them I might as well be dead. At first each day seemed harder, scarier, and more desolate. I made an appointment and went to see the doctor. My husband and I argued quite a bit that first week. The doctor gave me an evaluation and diagnosed me with depression. She said she fears I had been suffering from this depression for quite some time. Looking back, she is right. The signs were there but I just thought whatever was wrong was something wrong with me. There couldn't possibly be an explanation. The day after he moved out I started seeing charges in a town about 45 minutes from our home. A week later I find out that he was seeing someone else and had already told the kids. His own selfish needs were put above the mine and the children's.  About a week after that he forced them to meet her against their requests not to. I knew they had been seeing eachother longer than two weeks. Honestly finding this out made it easier for me to realize that I couldn't blame myself for our marriage falling apart. It may take two to make a marriage work but it only takes one to destroy it. This girl has insisted on making it impossible to accept her. I never will. If she were a real woman she would go home and allow my kids to have some time alone with their father but she insists on being with him every time. She even spends the night. Don't think I blame her alone, because he is the one that took vows to love me forever. I am not sure he knows how to keep a promise like that, one day she will know that.  I am however forced to be civil to him because he is the father of my children. I picked him and that obviously was a mistake. I do not regret my children though so it's a mistake I would gladly make again. I will go more into detail about what has happened since he left on my next entry. I plan to detail how I start over in this blog, how I make it from this point forth, or if I fail, I will detail that too because maybe someone can learn from my mistakes. Hope I didn't bore you to tears.