What WAS I thinking?
Somedays I wake up happy that I am finally on the right track in life. It certainly took me long enough. Other days I wake up and think what the hell was I thinking? I can't do this! Homework can be quite the overload. Certainly my kids are suffering from my lack of availability. I need some peace and quiet sometimes and that doesn't come easy around here. My brain feels overloaded on those moments of quiet I do get. I stay tired these days. I haven't had time to even enjoy the games that I once escaped to. I've logged in less than 2 total hours this week. Where the hell is my time going? I talk to my friends a bit. I get study help from my frenchie. Thank goodness math is a universal language. I really doubt I could make it through my math homework at all if it were not for him. He doesn't even seem to mind. Even when I'm moody and frustrated over a concept I cannot seem to grasp, he always sticks by me until I get it.
My phone rings with such frequency sometimes while I'm trying to do my homework that I just want to scream. To me, a ringing phone is akin to someone coming to my door, entering without knocking, walking to my fridge, taking out whatever amount of food they want, walking to my living room (with their shoes on) kicking up their feet on the coffee table, turning on the TV and shouting, "Would you be a dear and get me a drink? I forgot one." It annoys me an equal amount. I really would like to get rid of my phone to be honest but my kids are in school, so I need to have ways for them to reach me in case of an emergency. It isn't so much the one ring of the phone that bothers me but if I don't answer sometimes you get those people that call back repeatedly leaving messages to the effect of they know you're there and not answering. Then you should also know you're annoying the hell out of me and should STOP. Leave one message. If it's urgent, say so! If not, wait until I have a moment and want to call you back. It seems so simple to me.
I'm nervous. I am meeting the guy from France at the end of this month. I think in true form of my blog I should give him a moniker. I'll call him mon amour here. I know that everyone that meets someone from afar and gets to know this person without actually seeing them, other than pictures and webcam, goes through this. I am not different or special in this. I am scared he won't think I'm quite as special offline as he seems to think I am online. I worry that he won't find me quite as pretty. I feel myself starting to withdraw a bit. Fear, apprehension, I can't really explain it. It's my defense mechanism. I hope I can last long enough for us to meet. I am certain that afterward I will be fine. I started to push him away once before and it hurt so much inside that the tears wouldn't stop. Thankfully we found our way back to our happy cloud after that. Give me ten minutes and I can completely destroy my world. I'm quite good at that.
I picture the moment I actually meet him and inside I'm sure it will be amazing and fantastic. I picture the long kisses we've talked about. I see him being just as romantic as I've known him to be. I see me being so elated while he is here and then I am trying not to picture how it will be when he has to return home. Whatever hurt it might bring, I am ready for, I need that time with him. I need to know that we have something special not just online but off. I am willing to deal with going back to online.
I know I could be going out meeting guys but then I would have to find time for this stuff. I don't think you really meet any higher calibre people offline. The people are all the same no matter where you meet them. There will be good, there will be bad. I guess in a way I'm trying to explain my reasoning because I'm almost positive there are those out there scoffing at this online thing. Let them scoff. Let them think whatever they will I suppose. I can only explain why and if that isn't good enough, so be it. It won't change my mind, or my heart. Anyway this entry is long enough for now. I'll write more soon (at least sometime this year!)
My phone rings with such frequency sometimes while I'm trying to do my homework that I just want to scream. To me, a ringing phone is akin to someone coming to my door, entering without knocking, walking to my fridge, taking out whatever amount of food they want, walking to my living room (with their shoes on) kicking up their feet on the coffee table, turning on the TV and shouting, "Would you be a dear and get me a drink? I forgot one." It annoys me an equal amount. I really would like to get rid of my phone to be honest but my kids are in school, so I need to have ways for them to reach me in case of an emergency. It isn't so much the one ring of the phone that bothers me but if I don't answer sometimes you get those people that call back repeatedly leaving messages to the effect of they know you're there and not answering. Then you should also know you're annoying the hell out of me and should STOP. Leave one message. If it's urgent, say so! If not, wait until I have a moment and want to call you back. It seems so simple to me.
I'm nervous. I am meeting the guy from France at the end of this month. I think in true form of my blog I should give him a moniker. I'll call him mon amour here. I know that everyone that meets someone from afar and gets to know this person without actually seeing them, other than pictures and webcam, goes through this. I am not different or special in this. I am scared he won't think I'm quite as special offline as he seems to think I am online. I worry that he won't find me quite as pretty. I feel myself starting to withdraw a bit. Fear, apprehension, I can't really explain it. It's my defense mechanism. I hope I can last long enough for us to meet. I am certain that afterward I will be fine. I started to push him away once before and it hurt so much inside that the tears wouldn't stop. Thankfully we found our way back to our happy cloud after that. Give me ten minutes and I can completely destroy my world. I'm quite good at that.
I picture the moment I actually meet him and inside I'm sure it will be amazing and fantastic. I picture the long kisses we've talked about. I see him being just as romantic as I've known him to be. I see me being so elated while he is here and then I am trying not to picture how it will be when he has to return home. Whatever hurt it might bring, I am ready for, I need that time with him. I need to know that we have something special not just online but off. I am willing to deal with going back to online.
I know I could be going out meeting guys but then I would have to find time for this stuff. I don't think you really meet any higher calibre people offline. The people are all the same no matter where you meet them. There will be good, there will be bad. I guess in a way I'm trying to explain my reasoning because I'm almost positive there are those out there scoffing at this online thing. Let them scoff. Let them think whatever they will I suppose. I can only explain why and if that isn't good enough, so be it. It won't change my mind, or my heart. Anyway this entry is long enough for now. I'll write more soon (at least sometime this year!)
posted by Ivy | 11:15 PM
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