So much for that resolution...

So much time has passed since I last blogged. I guess when school started things got busier for me. I imagine once I start going to school too I might never find time to blog. I won't make any more promises of updates. I am not sure I will keep them. Since I last posted a few things have changed. First and foremost, you know the guy that I posted about once before? The one that I said was a really great guy? Well, that hasn't changed but the fact of me being with him has. I guess I just am not ready for love. I wanted to love him. I tried, I just didn't and that sucks because I know that it hurt him. I need some single time possibly. I don't know what I need because if I knew I'd be doing it and everything would be fine.
I promised last time to post about how I felt about all that happened with my ex, at first I was sad, sad that I let this happen to him. Yes I still feel somewhat responsible for what has become of him. Mostly I feel numb. When I talk to him now it is as short as it possibly can be. The kids sense this but the one time I tried to make conversation about some fish the kids won at the fall festival and wanted to keep in his empty aquarium at his house, it was painful. Then later I heard from the kids that he was saying I was telling him about stuff he didn't care to hear. The thing is that after saying that and them overhearing it, he asked them about the festival. They told me they didn't really have the desire to answer because they already knew he didn't care to know and that if he had, he would have listened to me. It saddens me that they feel this way. They are too young to interpret what he says in the proper context. Also he has twice done something that I was sure he wouldn't do. Last weekend he was supposed to get them on Saturday since the weekend before he had to miss one of his days with them for the fall festival. They were all excited, call him to ask what time he is coming and he tells them that he isn't going to get them. His excuse was that the heroin addict's daughter was there with them and he didn't feel like hearing the noise that 3 kids would make. He also didn't get them on Wednesday as he usually does. My daughter is a little jealous because she feels that he must care for the heroin addict's daughter more. I tried to explain that daddy must have a headache or something and that it isn't personal against them. I am fairly certain he is back on drugs. There isn't much I can do at this point. I'm just kinda numb to everything. Anyway I wanted to update but for now I should go, still haven't figured out a way to make laundry wash itself, perhaps I should try telekinetics? Meh, gimme time, I'll figure it out :)